Losing Your Memory
by myowndragon
Summary: Set after 2x04 Meat. Ianto has enough of feeling second choice and takes Retcon to forget about Jack. What will Jack do when he finds out his lover has Retconned himself.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone,**

**This is something I came up with a few days ago when a was sitting in the train. This is my first Torchwood fanfic and I haven't got a beta so I take full responsibility for any mistakes. **

**The title is from the song Losing your Memory from Ryan Star. This isn't a songfic but I came up with this story listening to this song and I thought it was a good name for the story. ****Please let me know what you think.**

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_"I wouldn't know anything different."_

_"I would."_

The words kept replaying in Ianto's head as he drove back home. He had always known that he was Jack's second choice, but never had Jack made it so obvious as tonight. Ianto had known from the beginning that he was just Jack's part time shag. He sometimes made himself believe that he was something more than that, and Jack had sometimes pretended that he loved Ianto as well. That was why he had shot Owen all those months ago. He liked to make himself believe that he meant something more to Jack. When Owen had called him a part time shag it had pierced the bubble of his make believe world where he and jack were something more than just fuck buddies. Jack had always helped Ianto believe it. Like the night before they had sent Tommy back. Jack had even told Ianto that he loved him, in a roundabout way.

_"None of you have any partners outside of this."_

She was right.

Sweet Toshiko in love with an alien who was using her, a frozen soldier who had to be sent back to his own time to save the world and of course Owen. Owen who was blind for Tosh's love for him because he was still grieving for Katie.

Jack obviously didn't have anyone either. Sure, he loved Gwen and he shagged Ianto but he didn't really have a partner.

Ianto himself, well he would make sure that after tonight he wouldn't even have a make belief world where he and Jack were together.

When he had started at Torchwood 3 Ianto had come up with a plan b. Originally it was an escape plan in case things went wrong with Lisa and he had to flee. When things had gone wrong and he had been suspended he had almost used it. But at the time Jack had helped him through everything. He had never told Jack about his escape plan. Something he was very grateful for now.

_"I wouldn't know anything different."_

Yes, she wouldn't have known anything different and neither would Ianto after tonight.

Ianto pulled up in front of his house. When he stepped out the car he saw his neighbor Mrs. Jenkins looking out the window. He waved at her. Mrs. Jenkins was always looking after him. During his suspension she had come over a number of times to see how he was doing. Of course she didn't know that he was suspended from his work because he had hidden his half human, half evil, alien, metal girlfriend in the secret base where he worked. He had told her that he had a nasty stomach bug.

When Ianto stepped through the front door he immediately went to the cabinet in the spare room to get out what he needed. When he and Jack had started see… fooling around he had put everything in the spare room. The spare room was the one place where jack never had to go to. He put a couple of clothes and toiletries in a weekend bag and put everything from the escape plan in a back pack.

Ianto couldn't just leave Torchwood without writing goodbye. They were his family after all. Ianto ended up writing 6 letters. Each member of the team got their own letter, 1 letter of resignation and 1 letter for the team in general so that they could do Ianto's chores now that he was gone. He put the letters with his dairy on the kitchen table and left the house.

When Ianto had invented the escape plan he had bought a small flat in Newport. The only flaw in the plan was that he wasn't able to use able to use his car now because the team would be able to track it. He would have to walk and use public transport.

When Ianto arrived at the flat he checked if everything was ready.

Food in the fridge X

Gas X

Electricity X

Warm water X

New car X

Putting a fake diary with the story he had come up with on the table in the living room, Ianto went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He sat down on the sofa and took out the bottle which contained a couple of Retcon pills. When they rolled out of the bottle into his hand the little white pills looked really innocent, but he knew that as soon as he swallowed them down he would forget the last three years. He would forget Torchwood 3 and 1, he would forget Lisa and Jack. He put the pills in his mouth and flushed them away with water. "I'm sorry, Jack." He thought when started to get drowsy. He pictured Jack in his minds-eye when he fell asleep. Subconsciously trying to hold on to Jack for as long as possible.

_"I wouldn't know anything different."_

_"I would."_

* * *

In another part of Cardiff Captain Jack Harkness was thinking about everything that had happened today. He looked up from the CCTV monitor he had been starring at for the last two hours. "Ianto!" Jack called across the main part of the hub. There was no answer. He activated his comm and called again. "Ianto, are you ready to go home?" when Ianto didn't answer again, Jack turned back to the CCTV monitor to see if he could find him there. Ianto wasn't on any of the monitors and Jack went over to his computer to check the CCTV footage from the last two hours. When he found what he was looking for he saw Ianto leaving the hub and going to his car to go home. 'why didn't he tell me he was going home? I could have gone with him.' Jack thought as he walked to his bunker. 'I'll ask him tomorrow.' God, he really didn't want to think about tomorrow. Tomorrow Gwen would be back and he really didn't want to deal with her smug attitude about the fact that he had agreed not to Retcon Rhys.

_"None of you have any partners outside of this."_

"But we understand how you feel."

Jack could most certainly understand how Gwen felt. His partner might not be outside Torchwood, but that didn't make Ianto any less important. Ianto was definitely Jack's partner and Jack lo… cared a lot about him.

_"I will see you tomorrow."_

Jack fell asleep not knowing that tomorrow would be too late to talk to Ianto. Tomorrow Ianto would be gone.

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**So what did you guys think? Good or Bad? please leave a review to let me know. ****Thank you.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow thank you all so much! 14 reviews, 29 followers and 10 favourites. I never thought that so many people would actually be interested in this. **

**A big thank you to angstosaur for pointing out a typo. I've changed it now.**

**Thank you all for the nice reviews. I just couldn't stop smiling every time I read them. **

**Anyway, here is the next chapter. I hope you guys like it. I still haven't got a beta so, again, all the mistakes are mine. **

When Toshiko woke up she immediately felt an headache coming up. Last night had been horrible, seeing Gwen standing up to Jack like that. Showing how much better she was. However, the worst had been to see Ianto. He had seen last night he the man he loved was wrapped around Gwen's little finger. Jack always let Gwen go away with everything. She suspected that jack would even let Gwen go away with murder.

"Jack better solved this problem with Ianto last night." Tosh mumbled. If he hadn't then there would be a hell to pay for him. Jack might be her boss and she looked up to him, but Ianto was like a younger brother to her. And, like a lot of big sisters, Toshiko was very protective over Ianto. He had been through too much in his short life already. He had been at the battle of canary wharf, a few months later the whole debacle with Lisa and then he had fallen for Jack who had gone missing a couple of months later. Later they'd found out that Jack had left on his accord. Ianto had been devastated when they had discovered that. Ianto hadn't shown it during working hours, and if he did then he had made sure that nobody had been there to see it. But Tosh had spent some nights over at Ianto's. Nights where they had complained to each other about the other team members, and in particularly Jack.

During those nights Ianto let everything go. They would get some beer. Most of the time they didn't get drunk, just a little tipsy. Ianto would tell her about his, by lack of a better word, relationship with Jack. At the end of the evening they would be too tired to go back home, so Ianto would spent to night at Tosh's or Tosh would stay at Ianto's.

"Jack you better start treating him like he deserves or I'll be very tempted to remove some of your favourite body parts." Tosh knew that she would never be able to do that, she wasn't that cruel. She would be able to put a nasty virus on Jack's computer, and the vision of Jack stressing because his computer wasn't working after a bad night with Ianto put a smile on Tosh's face.

When Jack climbed out of is bunker into his office he was surprised he wasn't greeted by the smell of fresh coffee. 'weird normally Ianto would have already made some by now.' He thought while checking his watch. It was 8 o'clock, not that Ianto was late but normally Ianto would start at half past 7.

Tosh came through the cogwheel at half past 8. "where is Ianto?" She asked as soon as she saw Jack, noticing the absent smell of coffee.

"I haven't seen him yet. Maybe he was really tired last night and is sleeping in."

"After last night I can't blame him." She said whilst glaring at Jack. Beside the glare Jack noticed there was an edge in Tosh's tone. He knew she was very protective over Ianto, but he had no idea what he had done to deserve it this time.

Gwen came in at quarter past 9 and Owen 15 minutes later at half past 9. By now Jack was starting to get worried. He kept glancing at the cogwheel. At quarter to 10 Jack decided that he had waited long enough. He picked up the phone and dialled Ianto's number. The phone went over a couple of times but Ianto didn't answer. After he had tried to call Ianto a few more times he walked over to Tosh's desk.

"Have you heard anything from Ianto?"

"No. shouldn't he call you if there was something going on?" The Japanese woman asked.

"Yeah, I suppose." Jack answered, getting uncomfortable. Tosh was again looking at him in a way that suggested that he had done something wrong and he had to find a way to make it up to Ianto. In the end Tosh took pity on the captain in front of her.

"You know what? If he isn't here at half past 10 why don't you to his place to see if there's anything wrong?" She said even though she already knew what could possibly be the problem. She wouldn't want to face the man she loved either after he would have let her known how little she mattered to him in comparison to someone else.

"Yeah, thank you Toshiko." Jack said. Relieved he went back to his office, knowing that if Ianto didn't show up or let anything know he would at least go to his house to see if he was okay in about half an hour.

The next 30 minutes were agony for Jack. He just couldn't stop picturing all the different scenarios of what could have happened for Ianto to be this late without letting Jack know. At half past on the dot, Jack put his coat on and left the hub.

In Newport a young man named Ianto Jones woke up. "where on earth am I?" He asked all confused.

The last thing he remembered was going out with a couple of friends after a difficult day at uni. He was lying down on the sofa in someone's living room, the living room didn't look familiar at all.

'I'm not the type for a one night stand.' He thought, and if this was a one night stand he seriously doubted he would have woken up on the sofa.

He hadn't heard anyone yet, but he thought it was highly unlikely he was here on his own. After all you don't really leave a stranger on his own in your flat and he was absolutely certain this wasn't one of his mate's flat.

He stood up and walked around the apartment in search of the bathroom. After he had found the bathroom and emptied his bladder, he washed his hands.

"What the hell!" He exclaimed, looking in the mirror.

The face staring back at him was his own face but a couple of years older than the last time he had seen his own reflection, and he was pretty certain he had looked in the mirror yesterday. The guy looking back at him was around 25 years old while the last time he had checked he was 21 years old.

In shock he walked back to the living room. He sat back down on the sofa and stared at some point in front of him, feeling completely lost. After 5 minutes he noticed there was an envelope on the table in front of him.

**Open in case of severe amnesia**

He picked it up and took the letter out.

"well, let's see that this is all about." He said and started reading.

**How is Jack going to react when he finds out that Ianto has gone? Please let me know what you thoughts are on this chapter. Have a lovely day.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone. **

**I'm so sorry for the long wait. Real life got in the way. I have a lot of homework and because of it I'm not able to finish school this year. on top op that the charger of my laptop broke down which meant I could only use my laptop for the really important things. I'm not going to abandon this story. I've got some ideas where I want to take this story. **

**Thanks to ukdramafan for pointing out a small grammar mistake in the last chapter. Also a huge thank you forsd4ianto for your nice message. Thank you so much.**

**Now on with the story. This is the chapter a lot of you have been waiting for. The letter from Ianto to Jack.**

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_Hello Ianto, _

_If you're reading this than that means that I've lost an awful lot of my memory. Because I knew it would be a possibility that I would lose a few years of my memory I wrote this letter just in case. _

_I just had a car accident. Nothing big just some drunk who had forgotten that a red light means stop. I've already got a new car so you don't have to worry about that. Even though it wasn't anything spectacular it was big enough to be able to lose some of my memories. The most important things to know - in case you've forgotten - are: _

_I haven't got a job, which is quite a relief at the moment._  
_Mam and tad are dead. _  
_I have changed my name to Dafydd Matthewson.  
__I __live in Newport, Wales, United Kingdom.  
__I've got a sister but I rarely talk to her, so she probably won't notice anything. _

_These facts are the most important things to know. In the diaries that you found with this letter you can read everything else that has happened over course of the last few years. _

_Good luck,_  
_Dafydd_

'Well that explains that then.' Ianto thought.

He had just lost around 4 years of his memory and the only thing he could do was to read his old diaries. He knew nothing about himself anymore. He wasn't even Ianto Jones. He was Dafydd Matthewson. An unfamiliar man with an unfamiliar name. He really hoped that those dairies would make him remember everything, or at the very least would answer some of his questions.

* * *

The closer Jack got to Ianto's place the more reckless he started driving. Something didn't feel right. Ianto was never late. So why was he today?

Breaking the speed limits, he arrived at Ianto's place in record time. He knocked on the door and forced himself to wait before he used his emergency key. When he knocked on the door a second time and Ianto didn't answer again he decided that he had been patient enough and used the key to get inside.

It was silent, too silent. Jack started to feel scared. The sinking feeling in his stomach that had started on the way over was getting stronger and stronger. He sprinted up the stairs, running to the master bedroom. He threw the door open he immediately noticed Ianto wasn't in the bedroom and he started to look around. When he glanced into the spare room Jack noticed that the cabinet was open. Jack had never been in the spare room so he couldn't tell if something was missing, but it was very out of character for Ianto to leave the cabinet open.

Jack ran back to the ground floor to check all the rooms there. When he got to the living room his blood froze in his veins. On the table were letters, 6 of them. Feeling more afraid then he ever felt in his whole life, Jack slowly walked towards the table. The 6 letters were lying innocently in the middle. 1 for each team member, an extra letter for Jack and 1 letter addressed to the team in general. With shaky hands Jack opened the envelope addressed to him that said: read this one before you read the other letters.

_Dear Jack, _

_I've always believed that if you really love someone and they love someone else that you let them be happy, no matter how much it hurts you. I know now how hard it actually is to let go of the person you love so that he can be happy. _

_I've seen enough to know that I can't make you as happy as Gwen makes you. Why else would she be the one that you always try to please? I worked extra hard, did some of your work for you and took care of you. But it was never enough. I don't know what else I can do for you to make you happy with me. _I don't blame you. I mean who am I? Some bloke from Cardiff who grew up in a council estate. __

_I've decided to leave Torchwood. I'm sorry I have to leave you behind like this, but I can't stay here any longer. Seeing you with Gwen every day us slowly killing me on the inside. I'll take enough Retcon to forget about Torchwood 1 and 3, so you don't have to worry about me telling any secrets. The only thing I ask of you is if you would please deliver the other letters to the team. _

_Please be nice to Rhys, he really loves Gwen. He doesn't deserve to have is heart broken and you and Gwen shoving it in his face that the two of you are together. __Look after Tosh, Owen and Myfanwy. __Good luck and have an amazing life._

_I'll always love you, whether I know it or not._  
_Ianto Jones_

"Oh Ianto, I'm sorry." Jack whispered, tears streaming down his face. "Please, I love you. I am so sorry."

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**What did you think? Was it good enough after the long wait. Again, sorry for that. Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Wow it has only been three days an I've already got a new chapter. This is also the longest chapter I've written so far so I've got no idea how I managed to finish it so fast.**

**Thank you all for the reviews over the last few days. You were all so kind.**

**There is some Gwen bashing in this chapter so you have been warned about that.**

**Enjoy the next chapter.**

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'I finally pushed him too far.' Jack thought. He had spent the last half an hour sitting on the carpet in Ianto's living room. There were still tear tracks on his face. After he had read Ianto's letter he had collapsed on his knees in front of the table, he didn't want to get up and face the world again. A world without Ianto, because Ianto had left him. Jack had been too blind to see what was happening around him and now he had to pay for it. What was that saying again? You don't know what you've got until it's gone. Jack had just found out exactly what that meant.

With difficulty he pushed himself of the floor. He walked to the front door. Looking back he said to the empty house "I'm going to make you proud of me."

* * *

In Newport sat Ianto Jones - no Dafydd Matthewson - in shock on the sofa. So much had changed in the last few years. He had found a girlfriend and she had died a few years later, he used to have a job but not too long ago the place had apparently burnt down. He could see why he had changed his name. So far his life hadn't been great. Maybe a clean slate was exactly what he needed. Find a new job, find someone make some friends. He had so many possibilities now, so many roads he could take.

He was determined to make Dafydd Matthewson someone he could be proud of.

* * *

When Jack arrived in the hub he placed the letters on the table in the conference room. He called the others on the com and announced that he had left letters from Ianto there. As soon as he had done that he stormed into his office.

Toshiko watched her captain going to his office and knew that there was something horribly wrong. Considering that he had been to Ianto's and what Jack had done last night was incredibly stupid she figured that Ianto had finally put Jack in his place. But that didn't explain why Ianto had letters for the rest of the team. Quickly she went to the conference room. She opened the letter with her name on it and began to read.

_Hello Tosh,  
_

_There is no easy way of saying this, but I've decided to leave Torchwood. I love Jack –you already know that - but it has been made quite clear to me that he doesn't return those feelings. At least not in the way I want them to be returned._

_I want to thank you for always being there for me. You spent some nights with me after Lisa and made sure that I wasn't lonely. You were one of the very few people I could talk to and you never judged me. Even though you had a right to judge me for some things I said when we had been drinking and I was tipsy._

_I have to go and do something different with my life. But I want you to remember this. Now that I'm gone make sure you don't let Gwen boss you around too much. You are a brilliant technician and an incredible smart woman._

_One final thing, don't be too hard on Jack. It's not his fault that he doesn't love me. I was the one who wanted too much, even though it was clear that I wouldn't get more._

_Stay strong,_  
_Ianto_

Toshiko stared in shock at the letter in front of her. She kept reading it over and over again.

_'I've decided to leave Torchwood.'_

Now she understood why Jack had gone up to his office the way he had done. He had just lost his lover. What was even worse was that his lover had left him because he had believed that Jack didn't love him. Which was as far from the truth as possible. Ianto might not have seen it, but Tosh had. She had seen how her boss looked at her friend when he thought no one was looking. Sometimes Jack would look at Ianto with such a gentle expression on his face that Tosh wondered if he really was the same Jack Harkness she knew. However, she could understand where Ianto was coming from. After being ignored, watching Jack flirt with Gwen and the display from last night she could hardly blame him for feeling the way did.

Reluctantly she stood up and walked out the conference room to talk to Jack. When she was walking to Jack's office Owen stopped her.

"do you know what's wrong with our dear captain? Because he certainly looked happy enough to shoot some things for the sheer joy of it."

"Just go and read the letter as Jack told you and I'll talk to Jack." She told the medic.

She knocked on the door of Jack's office and waited for Jack to tell her to come in. When there wasn't an answer she carefully opened the door. Inside the office was Jack sitting at his desk. His head was cast down, staring at the letter in front of him.

"Jack?" She asked quietly, waiting for a sign that he had noticed her.

He looked up and Tosh's heart broke. He looked so hopeless, she didn't know what to do. She was still angry at him for how he treated Ianto, but with the way he was looking now she couldn't find it in herself to act on those feelings. All his shields were down. The sadness, desperation and guilt sowing on his face.

"All the time I was pushing him away. Denying to everyone that I love him, even to myself. Because I was too afraid to get hurt, and now he has left me."

"You can try to get him back. Show him that you love him! I know that you've been treating him wrong the last few weeks, but if you prove to Ianto that it's him you want and not Gwen he might eventually reconsider."

"AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT!" He exploded. "HE RETCONNED HIMSELF!" Seeing the terrified look on Toshiko's face he forced himself to calm down. "he said he couldn't live knowing that he loves me but never being able to be in a relationship with me so he would retcon himself to forget about Torchwood. If I know anything about Ianto it is that he is persistent. He will have Retconned himself by now. I'm too late"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"That's okay, you were just trying to help me"

"What are you going to do now?" She asked.

"I don't know."

* * *

After speaking to Tosh, Owen went to the conference room to read the letter she and Jack were talking about. Stepping into the room he saw two letters lying on the table. Wondering what the commotion was all about he opened the letter with his name on it.

_Hello Owen,_

_I'm going to leave Torchwood. After last night it is clear who he loves more and it obviously isn't me. I can't watch Gwen and Jack being together, which I will have to do eventually if I stay here._

_I want to thank you. I know that we didn't always see eye to eye, but I regarded you as an - annoying - older brother. On top of that, you're a good doctor. You made sure I stayed healthy after Lisa had died and forced me sometimes to eat something._

_Be nice to Tosh, she really likes you. Don't throw it away._

_It was good knowing you,_  
_Ianto_

"Owen?" Gwen walked into the room. "What is going on?"

"Just read the letter, Gwen." He sighed. He couldn't believe what he had just read. It made sense of course. If Katie had done everything Jack had done in front of Ianto he would have left as well. Hell, if he was Ianto he would have left Jack long before now. As far as Owen knew Jack had never been clear if he loved Ianto. That's why he thought for so long that Ianto was just Jack's part time shag, Jack had never proved otherwise.

Meanwhile Gwen had walked to the table. Wondering why everyone thought those letters were so important.

_Gwen,_

_I can see how much you want Jack, and more importantly how much Jack wants you. So you've won. I'll leave Torchwood because I won't be able to watch you two playing happy families._

_Take good care of Jack. He is not always the hero you think he is._

_Ianto_

Gwen didn't know how to feel about everything Ianto had said in the letter, if you could call it that it was more like a note. She was glad that Ianto finally realized how good she and Jack are together. But surely he didn't have to leave Torchwood. "I don't understand."

"What?" Owen looked surprised. What was there not to understand. Both Gwen and Ianto loved Jack, Jack and Ianto are together, Jack and Gwen flirt too much with each other, Ianto feels like a fifth wheel and leaves, not wanting to have anything to do with them anymore.

"If Ianto wants Jack to be happy then why does he have to go. If Jack is happy with me shouldn't Ianto be happy as well?" She questioned. "plus how can Jack be happy when we are one man down. That is going to cause unnecessary stress."

"God, you really are stupid, aren't you." Owen exclaimed. "Ianto loves him. Do you have any idea how much it hurts him to see you with Jack? He sees the two of you together and he thinks that Jack will never love him like Jack loves you and it's killing him. The sad thing is that when Ianto isn't looking, Jack will sometimes look at him like he is the center of the universe. Now that Ianto is gone Jack certainly won't start sleeping with you because I'm willing to bet that 'your' dear Jack has never looked at you that way."

"You're wrong. Jack was only with Ianto because he is an easy shag, you said so yourself. Now Ianto is gone and we can be together without any awkwardness in the team, which we would have had if Ianto had stayed while me and Jack where together. With Ianto gone it won't take long before we're together, you'll see."

"Yeah, I guess we'll see. Just don't come crying to me if things doesn't work out for you." He said while stomping out of the room.

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**What did you think? Please review and let me know.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello almost a week has passed and I've got a new chapter written. Thank you all so much for reading/reviewing/following/favoriting this. I never expected so many people being interested in this when I started writing this story.**

**Special thanks again to ukdramafan for pointing out an error in the last chapter.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

A few days had passed and the team had barely seen their captain. Jack only came outside to get something to eat or to hunt some weevils, and the team suspected that the only reason he went weevil hunting was to have an excuse for being reckless and ultimately dying in the process. Jack had died with weevil hunting more in the last few days than he had in the last two years. There wasn't anything they could do about it, he never allowed them to join him, so it was a bit hard to stop him from being self-destructing. They had tried to get him to join them during their lunch break, suggested some fun nights out and they had even tried to get him to boss them around like he would normally do when he was in a mood, anything to get him behaving like his old self again but nothing had worked.

In the meantime Owen and Tosh also had to stop Gwen a few times a day from going to Jack to talk to him. She always said she was just trying to help, but her clothing suggested otherwise. God knows the last thing Jack needed was Gwen trying to get him to sleep with her. However, this meant that Gwen started to get annoyed with them and now they had two moody people working in the hub. Tosh and Owen were clutching at the end of their straws to make sure everything didn't fall apart around them.

Owen looked around the hub. the place was really starting to look like a garbage dump. Pizza boxes, mugs, paper and God knows what else was lying all over the place. Normally Ianto would keep everything clean. With Ianto gone this meant someone else had to do it. In the letter Ianto had written for the team in general he had told them what needed to be done around the hub. They really tried to keep up with everything he used to do but they also needed to do their own work plus the other – more important – stuff Ianto used to do, like feeding Janet and Myfanwy, archiving and doing paperwork. Owen had ever realized just how much Ianto had done till now.

At least locating his coworkers was easy. Owen didn't think he would have survived it if he had to search hard for them in this mess. Jack was sulking in his office, realizing just how much of an idiot he had been. Gwen was sitting at her desk, wearing clothes he doubted she could really run in should the need arise but were supposed to make her look sexy. Last but not least was Toshiko, who was updating a complicated program on her computer.

He sighed and stood up. The last few days they had given Jack all the time he needed to calm down and think rational again. Apparently that hadn't worked and it was time to discuss some things with Jack. He had tried to put it of the whole day but he had run out of excuses and things to do now, and it needed to be done eventually, preferably before the team fell apart completely.

* * *

Jack was staring at the other letter he had gotten from Ianto when Owen barged in. He knew he needed to open it eventually but he kept postponing it. Knowing Ianto it was probably his letter of resignation and opening it would make everything more real than it already was. Sooner or later he would have to open it and file it away, but he decided to put it off for now and deal with Owen first.

"Is the world ending, Owen? Because if it isn't I would rather be left alone."

"Well tough. You've been alone for long enough now, mate." He replied. Getting a chair he sat in front of Jack. "You should count yourself lucky that it has been quiet over the last few days or we would have been forced to get you sooner." When Jack didn't make a comment he decided to try this a bit different. "Look, I know I'm not your favorite person to talk to but there aren't a lot of others you can talk to at the moment. I don't think that you really want to talk to Gwen right now and considering that two days ago I spent half an hour convincing Tosh not to put a virus on your computer I don't think she is the right person to open your heart to either. So that means you're stuck with me for the time being."

"What is there to talk about. I behaved like an idiot and Ianto left me."

"Well considering you've spent an awful lot of time in here I would say that it is a bit more complicated than that." He knew it would be hard to get Jack to open up but it would have been nice if Jack would at least try to cooperated just a little bit.

"He thought that I loved Gwen more than I love him. He left so that I could be with her." Was the broken reply.

"And I'm guessing you don't love her."

"Of course not! Sure I've flirted with her a bit more than I usually do with people, but I never intended to make Ianto feel like a second choice. I'll choose him over Gwen any day!"

When Owen looked at Jack he saw a lot of different things written on his face. There was anger, self-loathing, sadness and hopelessness. Somehow he needed to break through all of it and get Jack back to work.

"Jack?" Owen started carefully. He knew something that would definitely raise Jack's spirits, but before he said anything he needed to know how far Jack would be willing to go for Ianto. "If you had another chance with Ianto. What would you do?"

Jack looked up at Owen, unsure what he wanted to achieve with the question. However, the serious look on Owen's face made Jack look down again and he answered carefully. "For starters I would take him out on that date I promised him."

That surprised Owen. He had never known Jack had promised to take Ianto out on a date. Then he realized Jack had just said that he had never taken Ianto on that date. He grimaced, for Ianto that was probably more prove that Jack didn't love him.

"And most of all I would prove it to him that it's him I love and not Gwen." Jack continued. "Not flirt as much with her, less favoritism, I don't care. He would be my boyfriend and I would make sure that he knew it!"

Owen gave Jack one long last look before he made up his mind. "You said Ianto Retconned himself."

"Yeah."

"There is not a perfect recipe for Retcon. Every person reacts different to it. For a lot of people it's irreversible, but there is a small group of people who are able to break it. Most of the time these people have an photographic memory. Or, like Gwen, are trained to remember things to put two and two together."

"Owen, are you saying that there is a possibility Ianto can get his memories back?" For the first time in the conversation Owen saw a glitter of hope in Jack's eyes.

"There is a small chance that Ianto is able to break the Retcon, really small. And if he is able to do it, it will be difficult to find a way to reverse the Retcon. There is not a lot of research done on how to break it."

The more Owen revealed the more he saw Jack slowly getting back to the cheerful boss of Torchwood 3 he knew. He wasn't completely back yet, but giving Jack some hope of getting Ianto back was definitely the right decision. With a mind like Ianto had there was quite a possibility that Ianto would be able to get his memories back. Looking at Jack, Owen saw Jack was letting everything he had just told him sink in.

"How are we going to get his memories back?" In Jack's mind there was no way Ianto wouldn't be able to break the Retcon. Owen had just told him people with a photographic memory had more change of breaking it and Jack knew better than anyone just how amazing Ianto's brain was.

"I need to look into that a bit more. Normally when we Retcon someone we don't want to make them remember it later. So I can't say I've got a lot of experience in it."

"Okay, if you research on how to break the Retcon then I'll search for Ianto a bit more. None of you have any idea where he could possibly be, have you?"

"Mate, We're talking about the same guy who hid his metal girlfriend right under our noses. You want to find him when he could literally anywhere in the world, how hard do you think it will be to find him? Because I think it will probably be harder to find him then to find something to break the Retcon." With that Owen walked out of Jack's office.

Jack looked back at Ianto's resignation letter in front of him. He picked it up and put it back in his draw. If Ianto came back he would't need to file it away anyway and there would be no need for him to read it.

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**Good, bad or neither ? Please let me know. I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. Have a nice day. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys! Sorry for the late update my health decided to interfere again. **

**Thank you all for reviewing, following and for favouriting this story.**

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Dafydd Matthewson was sitting in his living room thinking about everything that had happened over the last few days. He was slowly getting his life back on the rails. He was searching for a job, went to the gym, been to the pub and everything was going really well so far. The only problem he had was his past. He wanted to live the same life he had before he lost his memory so that if his memory returned he didn't have to change everything he had done. But how do you go on normally living your life when you don't remember how you normally live?On top of that he was starting to lose hope that his memory would ever return. It had been days since he had woken up in his living room with the letter and his diaries but he hadn't remembered a single thing. Surely if his memory was going to return he would have remembered something by now? What had happened over the last 4 years?

Reading the diaries had given him some insight on what his life had been like but he didn't completely trust them. It wasn't that his life had been too perfect but something just didn't seem right about it. The diaries told him that he had friends and that he had lost contact with them. That was quite believable but it so happened that the only names in the diaries were first names so he had no way to trace these friends. Another thing he had read was that he had just moved in the flat he was now living in. That was certainly true because the day after he had woken up his neighbor had knocked on the door and had introduced herself because apparently he had moved in the day before he had woken up. Why would he switch places when he knew there was a chance he could get amnesia? It didn't make any sense. A familiar surrounding would have been much better to get his memories back.

He felt like there was a part of his previous life that was safely kept hidden in the back of his mind and he wasn't supposed to know anything about it. In a way the car crash almost seemed planned, although Ianto couldn't imagine a situation where you would actually try to wipe your memory so a planned car crash seemed a bit far-fetched. But it did look like as soon as the crash had happened he had tried to make some drastic changes in his life. Why would he have done that? Had his previous life really been that bad that he didn't want to remember it ever again?

So that rose another question. Should he try to find out that truth about his previous life?

He sometimes felt he was going crazy. He had caught himself a number of times questioning himself whether he should do stuff differently and wondering if he would have done the same thing if he hadn't lost his memory. It would be relief to stop doing that.

On the other hand he wouldn't keep everything hidden from himself without a very good reason to do so. Did he really want to know what was so terrible about his previous life he felt like it was for the best to forget about it. As much as he wanted to remember everything he was really scared for what he would remember.

He really needed to get some fresh air. He got his coat and decided to walk to the mall. If he was walking at least he could try to figure out what to do with his life.

* * *

Dafydd was only halfway up the footbridge, that was located 3 minutes from his flat, when he realized that a bit of fresh air wasn't going to help him.

Just like the previous times he had been outside the last few days he was wary of everything around him. The most frustrating thing was that he didn't even know what he had to be wary about. Had something happened to him in the last couple of years that he felt like he had to watch over his shoulder every step he took? Or was he just something stress related from losing years of his memory?

'Ianto you're here to figure out what to do. Not to ask more questions.' He mentally scolded himself. 'Think about something else and when am I going to learn that my name is Dafydd now.'

Looking around for distraction he saw a young couple on the other side of the bridge walking towards him. Both of them were around his age and they were obviously in love. They looked cute. The woman had beautiful blond short hair, spotless skin and was wearing a dark jacket. The man was wearing a blue jumper. He had stunning blue eyes and beautiful dark brown hair.

Haltingly Dafydd stopped walking. Had he just really thought that something about a man was beautiful and stunning? That couldn't be right. he was straight, always had been always will be. So why did he think that guy was good looking. He knew that as a guy you could think another man was good looking without being gay, but he had an indescribable feeling when he looked at him. The kind of feeling he only got when a saw a beautiful woman.

Dafydd kept staring at them and when the couple walked past him the man looked at him. Suddenly a picture of pair of different incredible blue eyes flashed before his eyes. His heart started to race and he felt sadness wash over him. He saw the other man was saying something to him, but he couldn't hear what. Why was he feeling sad? Who's eyes had he just seen? The man's eyes might have been blue as well but the eyes Ianto had seen were different. The eyes he had just seen were grey blue while the strangers eyes had been bright blue. Who did those eyes belong to?

He walked until the end of the bridge and sat on a bench near the campus. He was so confused right now. He saw straight, but he knew for certain the straight men didn't thing about other men like he had just done. And why did he became sad seeing a picture of grey blue eyes in his mind. Why had he seen those eyes in the first place? He couldn't have made them up, could he? Had he just remembered something?

He sat another few minutes on the bench, watching the river flow in front of him. Looking on the other side of the river he saw his flat. Standing up, he decided to go back home. Fresh air wasn't going to help anyway and if he needed something he would go to Tesco tomorrow. He sighed, every time he thought it couldn't get any worse he found out that it could. He had lost years of his memory, his diaries were at least partially fake and on top of that he had just found out that maybe he wasn't as straight as he thought he was and he had seen eyes he couldn't remember seeing before.

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**So what do you think? Please let me know. I might be able to update before Saturday but after that it will probably take a while before I can update again. I'll be going to Wales without my laptop so I'll be able to write but not able to update. So hopefully I'll update before Saturday and after that you just have to be patient, sorry. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again everyone,**

**This is a really quick update. I finished writing this the same day I finished the last chapter. Well officially it was the next day since it was 2 o'clock in the morning but I call that the same day. **

**Thanks again for all your reviews. They really encourage to update quicker. **

**Have fun reading it.**

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Jack was on the edge. He had been ever since Ianto had disappeared but it was getting worse every day.

"Tosh it's been over a week please tell me you've found some trace of him. He can't just have disappeared."

"I've tried Jack but it's next to impossible to find something. When he left his house he avoided the CCTV cameras, his bank account has been emptied around the time he disappeared and there is no new account under the name of Ianto Jones, his car is still at his old place so he's probably got a new car, house and bank account under a different name."

Jack sighed. "So there is no way of tracing him?"

"Not until I know a bit more."

Owen walked out of de med bay. He had listened to Jack and Tosh for a while wanting to stay unnoticed to Jack, who became moodier every day. "You have to give tea boy some credit, that guy is great at keeping things hidden. He sure likes his secrets. I can see why you like him Jack."

"What's that supposed to mean" Jack glared at him.

Owen realized he had gone too far and tried to stop Jack from blowing up. "Look, I'm just saying that you and Ianto like to keep secrets. I didn't mean any harm. Just forget I said anything."

"So what you're saying is that Ianto and I just keep lying to each other and we don't know a single thing about the other, because we're too scared to talk to each other." Jack crossed his arms and Owen could see that the immortal was just searching for someone to fight with. Normally he would have loved to rile his captain but he didn't want to deal with a really angry Jack when he had already been in a mood for a couple of days.

"Jesus, I didn't say that. If you want to blow of some steam could you please do that on the shooting range where you can shoot on none living objects, 'cause I for one would like to live without any bullet holes in my body for a little longer."

Looking at Jack Owen thought he was in serious trouble. Jack looked like he was ready to punch him in his face, at the very least. Surprisingly Jack decided to listen to Owen and turned around and stalked towards to shooting range. But just before he was out of sight he turned around and yelled.

"And when Gwen decides to come in today tell her that I'm missing four reports from her and I want them on my desk today!"

"Great that's just what we need, an angry Jack and a moody Gwen. Please kill me now." Owen muttered under his breath. He wanted to go back to the medical bay but was stopped by Tosh's disapproving glare.

"You really are an idiot sometimes, aren't you Owen?" Not even giving him a chance to reply she continued. "Besides feeling frustrated that we can't find Ianto he's also feeling guilty. Ianto left him because he believed Jack didn't return his feelings so Jack blames himself for not telling Ianto how he felt. He really doesn't need you pointing out other mistakes they made in their relationship."

"Just be grateful I haven't shot the bastard yet. He's been bloody annoying the last week."

Tosh knew she wouldn't be able to get Owen to apologize. Owen could deal with emotions for a short period of time, but Jack had been like this for more than a week and it was getting on his nerves.

When Gwen came in twenty minutes later Tosh told her about the reports that Jack wanted on his desk today. Gwen just looked at Tosh like she had just asked Gwen to slow dance with a weevil and went to her computer to look for nice ideas she could use for her wedding.

* * *

On the contrary to what Tosh and Owen believed Jack wasn't going to the shooting range. There was someone he had to talk to.

He made his way to the morgue and set down next to drawer 156.

"Hello Lisa. It's been a while. I'm sorry for what happened to you. You didn't deserve to die. If you were still alive we probably wouldn't even have been in this mess." He made himself comfortable against the drawers.

"This would never have happened to you. You were never afraid to tell him how you feel, took him out on dates, did all that domestic stuff with him and went on camping trips with him. I'm such an idiot for not appreciating him the way you did. I thought that he knew how I felt, that I didn't have to say it to him.

Of course I needed to say it to him. He's an archivist it's his job to label things, he needs labels. He needed me to tell him that I love him."

Jack felt so stupid. Looking back he could have easily prevented this. It was so clear to him now that Ianto had needed to be reassured sometimes of Jack's love for him.

"In the letter Ianto wrote me he said that he believed that if you really love someone you let them go so that they can be happy." He continued. "What do I do? I want Ianto so much it hurts and if he knows that I love him then it wouldn't be a problem if I broke the effects of the Retcon, the reason he took Retcon would be history anyway. But Ianto choose to Retcon himself because I didn't make him happy. Would it really be the right thing to do? To go against his wishes even though I'm prepared to tell him I love him and to give him everything he needs."

As much as he pushed Tosh to find Ianto he really didn't know whether he was making the right decision by searching for Ianto.

"Sometime I wish he was still with you. You made him happy and you didn't break his heart by being careless. But if he was still with you then that meant that I really had to let him go and I don't know if I'll ever able to do that." He confessed.

Jack pulled his knees up and rested his forehead against them. Here he was in the morgue talking to his lover's dead ex because he had fucked up. If someone had told him two years ago this would happen he would have laughed at them and told them to see a doctor. He had promised himself that he wouldn't fall in love again. How the mighty had fallen, here he was two years later head over heels in love with Ianto Jones.

Extraordinary Ianto who, despite better judgment, loved Jack. Jack who was too stupid to see how smart, caring, witty, beautiful, passionate and loving Ianto was. What had he ever done to deserve Ianto's love. How had he managed to fuck it up so bad that Ianto couldn't be around him anymore. Ianto was loyal to a fault, the whole Lisa incident had proved that, and yet jack had somehow still managed to make Ianto leave him.

He needed to make things better between him and Ianto but he didn't know how. Ianto was untraceable and even if he was found Jack could hardly walk up to him and say: 'Hey, I'm your lover but you left me and wiped your own memory because you believed I wouldn't return your feelings.' Ianto would just think that Jack was a mental patient who had escaped from providence park.

What a beautiful mess he had made. How was he ever going to solve this?

Reluctantly Jack stood and walked towards the shooting range. He would follow Owen's advice and shoot some cardboard weevils before going back to his office. Looking back in the morgue he knew he would never be able to say what he had just told Lisa to someone who was actually alive.

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**And that's the end of this chapter. If you're really lucky I might be able to make one last update before I go to Wales. I'm already halfway through writing the next chapter. But in case I won't be able to do another update before Saturday, see you all in three weeks.**


	8. Chapter 8

**YEEEE I made it. One last update before going to Wales. This really will be the last one because I'll be leaving in 4 hours. I hope you enjoy reading it.**

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After a satisfying training session, Jack went back to his office. Not that you could really call it a training session. To be honest, he had just been frustrated and he had wanted to shoot something.

Now he was back in his office and he was bored. Maybe he should start on those reports he still needed to finish. Contrary on popular belief Jack was able to write his own reports, it was just more fun to pretend he didn't know what to do and ask Ianto to help him. Ianto had known Jack was able to write them on his own but he had always played along, pretending he hadn't seen Jack's old reports. The ones he had written in the 100 years before Ianto had started working for him. Now Ianto was gone he really hated writing those reports. Every time he wanted to call Ianto on his comm to ask for help only to remember that Ianto was gone.

Jack turned his computer on and started to scroll through the old CCTV coverage. After a little search he found the video he was looking for.

He watched on the screen how the cogwheel opened and Gwen entered the Hub.

"_I'm not doing it. I won't drug him."  
_"_You have to."  
_"_You can't allow him to remember."  
_"_It's the rules."_

While Toshiko and Owen reacted shocked Ianto had calmly but with a firm voice pointed out what the protol said. Ianto had been standing behind him so Jack hadn't been able to see his face at the time. Now he was able to see Ianto's face, he saw that Ianto was already bracing himself for the fight that was coming.

"_But none of you have any partners outside of this."  
_"_But we understand how you feel."_

He saw how Ianto looked at his back when he said that. Ianto was always a hard person to read but Jack saw on the CCTV how his walls were slowly crumbling down. True, they might not have any partners outside Torchwood but that didn't mean that Ianto was any less important to Jack then Rhys was to Gwen. And Jack not telling Gwen that only proved for Ianto that Jack didn't feel anything for him.

"_No you don't! No you don't, Jack! You all think it's cold and lonely out there, but it isn't for me because I have him!"_

On the screen Ianto was trying to hide everything he was feeling. But that didn't stop him from looking down. As soon as he realised what he was doing Ianto looked up again, but soon he was studying his shoes again while Gwen continued yelling at Jack.

"_He matters and I've lied to him for long enough! What he did today was so brave. Braver then any of us because we've signed up for this. But he didn't he did it because he loves me and I won't take that away from him! I won't! And if that means I have to quit or you Retcon me or whatever then fine! Fine."_

Ianto was looking up again but Jack was able to see vulnerability and the uncertainty in his eyes. And when he saw himself tossing his water to Ianto he noticed that when Ianto caught it he was acting more like Jack's butler then as his lover.

"_You really think you can go back to your old life before Torchwood?"  
_"_I wouldn't know anything different."  
_"_I would."_

That obviously was the last straw for Ianto. As Jack watched he saw the remaining walls that hadn't been teared down yet by his argument with Gwen fall down.

"_Give Rhys me love and I will see you tomorrow."_

Last time he had watched Gwen walk out of the Hub and gone straight to his office without even thinking about the rest of his team, including Ianto. Now when Gwen walked out of the Hub he was watching Ianto and he didn't like what he saw for one bit.

The Ianto leaning against the doorpost wasn't his lover. No, the Ianto standing there was their butler. When he gave Jack his water back but he didn't even look at him. He gave Jack his water because he knew Jack wanted it but there was no emotion.

Was he really that blind? Had he really hadn't seen any of that the first time around? He wasn't too sure about the answers of those questions and that made it even worse. Because if he had seen it then he had just ignored his lover when he had needed him.

"JACK!"

Jack looked up as Gwen stormed into his office.

"How can you expect of me to finish four reports in one day and I can't stay late because I've got plans with Rhys tonight."

Jack groaned, why did this day just keep on getting worse. He really didn't want to deal with Gwen now.

"Maybe you should stop looking things up for your wedding and do your job. And if you hadn't come in late you would have had enough time to complete the paperwork I asked you to do. You know the paperwork I asked you to do a FEW DAYS AGO!" Jack had been frustrated already before Gwen had walked in and this really wasn't helping.

"You always tell me I shouldn't let my life with Rhys slip away."

"There are enough people who manage to spent time with the people they love when they've got a 9 to 5 job. You come in at half past 10 and you want to leave at 4 o'clock."

"I didn't say I wanted to leave at 4." She defended herself.

"No but you were planning to leave around that time, weren't you?" Jack looked her in the eye and Gwen looked back with big doe eyes. All of a sudden Jack was reminded of the CCTV coverage. When she had refused to Retcon Rhys she had given him the same look and he had fallen for it. Not this time. "You are unbelievable."

"Look Jack, I know that it's hard now Ianto has Retconned himself but this isn't the end. You've still got me."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked surprised, not sure what she meant by that.

"I know you had some fun with him but now that he is gone you can maybe try to find someone to have a serious relationship with." She didn't notice the angry look on Jack's face. "I mean, I know I'm with Rhys at the moment but if you asked me I might be able to change that. I love you Jack, and I know you love me too."

By the time Gwen was finished Jack look positively murderous. He couldn't believe that she really thought that Ianto was just someone for him to shag.

"Gwen I'm only going to say this once so listen carefully." He said slowly, trying to keep his anger in check. "I love Ianto. Just because I was stupid enough to let him go doesn't mean I'll start fucking you. Now get out of my office and get to work."

"But Ianto even wrote to me that we should be together. He told me that you want me and that I should take care of you."

"Give me the letter he wrote to you then get out of my office before I decide I want something more exciting to shoot at then fake weevils."

Seeing now how livid Jack was Gwen got the letter out of the drawer in her desk and walked back to give Jack the letter.

"Just read the letter maybe you'll change your mind then."

"GET OUT!" Jack yelled being fed up by Gwen's behaviour.

As soon as Gwen had left his office Jack sat back down at his desk and read the letter. Reading it just made his heart break a little more. Seeing how Ianto had told Gwen that she had "won". He had even given Gwen advice by telling her that she shouldn't always look at Jack like he was a hero.

"Oh Ianto, You really do believe I love her, don't you?" He had always known Ianto was incredible but seeing Ianto putting Jack first to tell Gwen she should make him happy just proved it more. He had been prepared to sacrifice the time he had with Jack to make Jack happy. That it had all been for nothing saddened Jack even more. "If I ever get lucky enough to get another change with you I promise you I'll do right by you."

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**Please review and let me know what you think. I'm going to abandon you now. See you all in three maybe four weeks depending how much time I've got after my holiday. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Did you miss me? I'm back from my holiday. I had a great time in Wales and being in Cardiff was amazing. It was fun to see a lot on things I've seen on telly for real.**

**The good news is that I've written five chapters in three weeks' time. I've got an internship for the next four weeks so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to write but I've written enough to cover it.**

**Enjoy the reading after the long break.**

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Dafydd was preparing his breakfast. He still wasn't able to move on with his life. A month had passed since he had tried to go to the shops and seeing those blue eyes. He had tried to remember who those eyes belonged to but every time he tried it was like something in his mind was blocking him, trying to stop him from remembering. He had decided that it was probably for the best if he didn't get his memory back, but at the same time he couldn't get those blue eyes out of his mind and he had a feeling that they were a very important link to his past.

On the plus side he did have a job now. It was nothing exciting, he was just a receptionist at a nearby hotel. But it was better than not having a job at all. He had found out quite soon after he had woken up that whatever he had done in his previous life had left him with a lot of money. It was probably enough to keep him comfortable for a few months while being unemployed. That wasn't the reason he had wanted a job. The reason was that he was slowly turning crazy sitting at home all day with nothing but his own mind to entertain himself with. He tended to overthink things while being bored.

Turning the sausages in the frying pan he thought again about those blue eyes. Wishing that maybe someday he would see more than just eyes.

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Toshiko was going through some old pictures the team had taken at a crime scene a few days ago when she suddenly noticed something. Looking at the picture more carefully she saw she was right and let out a little scream. Quickly she printed out the picture and ran into Jack's office.

"Toshiko, thank you for knocking." He said sarcastically when she entered.

"Jack you want to see this! This is a picture we've taken a few days ago. Remember when we went to Newport for the robbery Owen thought a blowfish was responsible for. Just look who happened to walk past."

Toshiko was talking so fast Jack was having trouble following her. All he could understand was that he has to look at the picture she was holding. When she gave the picture to him he didn't see anything special at first. He did remember it. In the end it turned out it wasn't a blowfish at all but a high teenager who had done the robbery. He was about to return the picture to Tosh wanting to say that there was nothing special about the picture when his eye fell on something in the right corner. There, not really paying any attention to the crime scene was Ianto Jones.

"Ianto" He whispered while going pale.

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Despite Toshiko's protests within 5 minutes Jack was on his way to Newport. He knew he was being irrational. The chance that he was going to find Ianto driving around Newport was incredibly small. He wasn't even sure if Ianto was still in Newport. For all Jack knew Ianto had only been in Newport a few days ago to visit someone and had already gone back home, somewhere only god knows where.

earning a few speeding tickets, he finally arrived in the outskirts of the city. He reduced speed knowing that if he ever wanted to find Ianto in this city he had to watch very carefully and he couldn't do that when he was driving too quick.

He didn't even know what he was going to do if he found him. Ianto probably didn't even remember Jack. What was he supposed to do? Ianto didn't want to have anything to do with Torchwood and Jack anymore. Should he respect his wishes and let Ianto be? On the other hand he wanted Ianto back and he couldn't get him back not knowing who Jack was. If he ever had a the chance to be with Ianto again Ianto had to remember him. Jack didn't think he could bear to be in a relationship with him while he didn't know all that they've been through together.

He had been trying to answer that question for nearly two months and he still didn't have an answer. In the end Jack decided that even if he did find Ianto now he would just observe him and try to find out where he lived now. If he found that out he could always try to contact him later.

Jack drove around Newport for hours, eventually he believed he had seen every street in Newport at least three times. It was dark outside and he knew that there was even less chance of finding Ianto now then there was before.

Defeated Jack drove back to Cardiff. He knew it had almost been impossible to find Ianto like that when he had started, but that didn't stop him from feeling disappointed.

Parking the SUV the only thing Jack wanted to do was just go to bed and sleep, preferably until there was a solution to this mess. Entering the Hub he saw that wish wasn't going to get granted just yet.

"I'm not really in a mood to talk, Owen." He said when he saw the other man standing in the Hub.

"Well tough, you left me and Tosh here to deal with Gwen who went absolutely bonkers when she found out why you'd left so I think you owe me at least some cooperation at the moment." Owen had been waiting for Jack to get back, knowing that he would probably needed someone to talk to. Whether he wanted to or not.

"Fine." Jack said half-heartedly. "What do you want to know?"

"Did you see him?" Even though Owen acted like he didn't care he did want Ianto back. The young man always knew exactly what everybody needed and he was a fun guy to hang around with after-hours.

"No, I didn't."

"If you had seen him, what would you have done?" He knew Jack. Jack would sometimes act without thinking and as much as he wanted Ianto back he didn't want him to get hurt because of Jack's irrational actions.

"Don't know. I probably would have followed him home. Find out how he's doing. If he's got a nice life now who am I to destroy it for him? He would only hate me more for it."

Owen seemed satisfied with that answer and walked past Jack to leave the Hub. Just when Owen reached the cogwheel Jack stopped him.

"How did everything go with Gwen?" He asked.

"After Tosh and I gave her another speech of Jack-wants-Ianto-and-not-you she got angry and gave us a list of reasons why you did want her and not Ianto. But she got to work afterwards and actually got two reports filed in before Tosh and I sent her home early. You should flirt less with her by the way, it was one of the reasons why she believed that you did want her. She doesn't seem to understand that you flirt with practically everyone and that it doesn't mean anything."

"Thank you Owen." Jack didn't just mean for handling Gwen for him but also for telling him why she still believed she still had a chance with him. It looked like he still wasn't finished with her and he needed to talk with her again about her 'love' for him.

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In Newport Dafydd Matthewson was staring out of the window. He had that nagging feeling that you get when you feel like you've forgotten something.

The weird thing was that it had started when he was just reading something at the windowsill, enjoying his day off. When he had started to lose his concentration to the story he was reading –some crappy sci-fi novel - he had started looking outside. While looking outside the feeling had started. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened outside. The only strange thing was a car he'd never seen in the street before. The street he lived in had a dead end so a strange car driving in the street didn't happen very often. The car didn't even look like any of the cars he usually saw around town. He was certain he would have remember seeing a black SUV with TORCHWOOD written on the side.

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**Please let me know what you think. I don't know when I'll update next. Maybe this week otherwise I'll update early next week.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello again. I've got a new chapter here for you. Thank you all for reviewing, following and for adding this story to your favourites.**

**To the guest who asked if Gwen was nuts: I don't think she is nuts but I do think she is blinded by her love for Jack and is too blind to realise or to see that he is not interested in her.**

**I also just realised that my account said I'm from the U.K that is not true and I changed it back to the Netherlands. Sorry if any of you were confused by this.**

**Sorry for the unusual long author note. Have fun reading the next chapter.**

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Owen was bored. He had just finished an autopsy on a polimblim that had come through the Rift a week ago. At first Owen had thought the polimblim had died due to problems at the heart, but after some research Owen had found out that its heart was supposed to look black. How was he supposed to know something like a polimblim even existed. The creature had a dark purple colour, except for his arms and legs which were yellow. The colouring wasn't that weird. Owen knew there were animals on earth that were far stranger if it came down to colours. Chameleons even changed colour and he knew there were other animals who changed their colours as well. So the colours weren't that strange. No, what struck Owen the most was its form. It almost had a humanoid shape except its eyes were on its chest and its arms - all six of them- were on his head like hair.

He looked over to Tosh's station. It had been three months since Ianto's disappearance and everyone - besides Jack - had slowly calmed down. Tosh had been amazing these last few months. She had given Jack hell a few times for being such an ass to Ianto that the young man had felt he had no other choice but to leave, but she had also always been there for Jack to comfort him when he needed it, even if he would never say he needed it.

Owen remembered Ianto's letter. Ianto had told him that Tosh really liked him and that he shouldn't let her go. The last couple of days Owen had done a lot of thinking. Could he really love someone again after what had happened to Katie? The same thing what happened to her could easily happen to Tosh. They worked in an organisation where they catch aliens, she could easily get killed by one of the aliens and he would be alone again. But he really didn't want to see Tosh leave Torchwood for the same reasons Ianto left and end up heartbroken like Jack.

Bloody hell, he needed a drink. Looking at the clock Owen groaned. It was only three o'clock. Fuck, he still needed to wait for at least two more hours before it was a reasonable time to leave.

* * *

Gwen was standing outside Jacks office, pulling her top down a bit. She was going to talk to Jack and she needed to look attractive for Jack if she wanted to start a real relationship with him instead of this forced friendship they had created by not acting on their mutual attraction. She knew she needed to do it now or she would have to wait till tomorrow. Jack would probably be leaving soon to drive around Newport for at least an hour. She wouldn't be able to talk to him when he returned. He always was in a horrible mood when he got back.

Everyday he would leave an hour early to try to find his fuck buddy. He wouldn't be out as long as the first time he went, but he would still loyally go every day. Gwen didn't understand why he went through all that trouble to find Ianto. If he was just sex deprived why didn't he go out on the pull? He didn't even need to be on the pull. The only thing he needed to do was to tell Gwen he was hers and they could finally be together.

She really needed to talk to Jack. He was hurting because he couldn't have her and now Ianto was gone and he had lost his part time shag. If she told him he could have her he didn't need to be alone anymore. All of his problems would be gone. He would be loved like he should be loved and he could make love to her instead of a having a meaningless shag with Ianto or someone else.

She walked in and sat down on Jack's desk. She looked at him through her eyelashes. 'Don't worry ,Jack.' She thought. 'I'll take care of you.'

"Jack." She said, as Jack looked up, annoyed.

"What do you want, Gwen?" He wanted to leave so he could search for Ianto. He didn't want to waste time by talking to Gwen and getting involved in another argument.

"How are you Jack? You act like the world is ending because Ianto is gone but you don't need to act that way. I'm here for you Jack and I'll never be so selfish to leave you."

"And what could you possibly have to offer me?" He managed to ask between his clenched teeth. Jack was losing his patience with her but he knew he needed to hear everything she had to say. If she told him her reasons for being with him he could counter it with all the reasons he didn't want to be with her. It was still hard not to explode at her, tough. Specially when he heard her calling Ianto selfish for leaving him when it was Jack's fault in the first place.

"Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you Jack. Just tell me and I'll give you what you need." She had him now. She was certain of it. After all, how could he possibly resist her. She was good looking, had a normal life out side of Torchwood and she could give him a child. That was something that tea-boy would never be able to do.

"And that's why I love Ianto" Jack continued, not knowing what Gwen was thinking of. "I NEED TO TELL YOU what I need, but I don't need to do that with Ianto. He'll just look at me and know exactly what I need. He gives me everything I want and need and he even gives me things I didn't realise I needed or wanted. I don't need to tell him anything. He just knows by looking at me. Now you tell me, Gwen Cooper. Why would I ever want to be with you? What exactly can you give Ianto can't? Because as far as I can see you'll never be able to give me what Ianto has given me in the last two years."

This was not going how Gwen had imagined it. She had thought that if she told him she was there for him he would leap at the chance to be happy with her. "But you... you love me."

Jack sighed. "No I don't, Gwen." He ran his hand down his face. Why had he allowed things to escalate like this? "It was never been you I loved. I love Ianto. I've always loved Ianto."

"But you flirted with me and you used to smile that special smile to me. You know, the one that always make people give in when you want something from them."

"I flirt with everybody, Gwen. And I only used that smile on you if I needed you to finish some important paperwork without an argument. I do love you Gwen but it's the same love I feel for Owen or Toshiko."

"But not the same love you feel for Ianto." She sounded defeated. She'd truly believed that Jack loved her just as much as she had loved him. Now the man of her dreams told her he loved someone else. "But Ianto is gone. Please Jack, I know I can make you happy. Now Ianto is out of the picture and you don't have to be alone."

"ARE YOU DEAF!" Jack yelled. "I don't want you. I'll never want you! I LOVE IANTO! He is the one I want! Every day when I wake up its him I think about and when I go to bed I still think of him! And even if I decide to move on it won't be with you. Ianto left me because he believed I love you! The last thing I'll do is prove him right and fall in love with you!"

He stormed out of his office. Leaving Gwen on her own gaping like a goldfish. When he finally arrived in the garage he immediately got in the SUV. It was time to go to Newport. Who knew, maybe today would be different and he would finally find Ianto.

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**Please tell me what you think and if you see any mistakes please point them out to me and I'll change them when I put the next chapter up.**


	11. Chapter 11

**I've got another chapter for you! I wrote a very interesting chapter a few days ago and I can't wait till you guys read it, so I've decided to update once every four days until I run out of pre-written chapters.**

**Thank you all for the response so far it makes me want to continue writing this story even faster than I want to already. **

**Thank you Narsia for pointing out a typo in the last chapter.**

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"See you tomorrow, Dafydd"

"Yeah. Have a nice evening, Lis."

Dafydd had been working in the hotel for two months. During that time he and Lis had become good friends. They both were receptionists and both worked roughly the same hours. Her real name was Elizabeth, but he had learnt pretty early on never to call her that. You could call her Lizzie or Lis but if you called her Elizabeth you better run.

Lis had been really nice to him when she'd found out that he'd lost his memory. She didn't pity him or was overly sympathetic but she did look out for him and when someone started to ask any awkward questions she always helped him to avoid answering them. He knew that if she had been too sympathetic he probably wouldn't have been able to work or be friends with her. He'd never liked being pitied.

He picked up his bag in the staff room and walked out of the hotel. It was already dark outside, it was April and the days were getting longer but it would be a while before he would be able to walk back home in daylight at nine o'clock. Not that he minded, he loved walking back home in the dark. At night it was always easier to put things in perspective. Not that there were a lot of things that troubled him at the moment. It had been three months since he had this new life was thrown at him and everything was going pretty well. He still didn't believe the story about losing his memory in a car crash but he hadn't found anything that could tell him how he had lost his memory otherwise.

When he got home he looked in the fridge and a curse slipped past his lips. There was enough to eat for now but he didn't have anything in for breakfast tomorrow. He would need to go to the shops tonight. He was tired and he would love to eat something and just read a book in bed, but it looked like he wouldn't be able go to bed for at least another hour.

He put a chicken kiev in the oven and warmed up some peas while mentally putting a list together of things he needed to buy.

By the time he was ready to go to Tesco it was half past ten, while he loved walking in the dark he didn't feel up to it now and decided to take his car.

He was nearly there when he saw a black SUV driving on the other side of the road towards him. Over the last two months he'd sometimes seen it. The writing on the side made it easy to recognise it so he was sure it was always the same car. After all, there couldn't be a lot of SUVs driving around Newport with TORCHWOOD written on the side.

After the SUV had passed him, Dafydd pulled over in alleyway. For some reason every time he saw that particular SUV he always got overwhelmed by different emotions. Sadness, anger, love, happiness, defeat, confusion, grief all swirled through him at the same time. He put his head on the steering wheel, trying to blink back the tears that were trying to escape from his eyes.

After a few minutes he calmed down a bit. Why did that happen every time when he saw that SUV. If he saw a different SUV nothing happened but for some reason whenever he saw the TORCHWOOD SUV his emotions went out of control. Another strange thing was that from all the emotions he felt, love was the strongest emotion of all. Why would he feel so much love for a SUV that happened to pass by? He suspected it had something to do with his past, but he was still completely at a loss to explain why that SUV had so much effect on him.

After it he had seen the SUV the second time he had done some research. That had been a complete failure. There were no results for TORCHWOOD or the number plate of the SUV. After that he had reluctantly admitted defeat, but that didn't stop him from trying to find out more everything this happened.

Every time he saw the SUV his reaction to it got stronger and stronger. The first time it had happened he only had the nagging feeling he'd forgotten something. When he'd seen the SUV for the second time he had gotten a strange feeling in his stomach. He had started to feel emotions by the fourth time and it had gotten stronger ever since. This was the eleventh time now and he felt completely drained. He knew he was far too tired to go to Tesco at the moment. If he continued he would probably cause an accident.

The problem he had now was that he also wasn't able to drive back home. He knew he could call Lis she wouldn't mind picking him up and dropping him off back at his apartment, but he didn't want to bother her. She did enough for him already.

Not knowing what else to do he got in the back of his car and lay down on the seats there. He would drive back home when he felt like he wasn't about to pass out from exhaustion any second.

* * *

Jack was heading back to Cardiff when it happened. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw Ianto in a car driving the opposite way.

At the first possibility Jack turned the car around. Several other drivers swore at him and he heard at least ten different claxons, but he didn't really notice it. If it really was Ianto he had just seen it would be the first sign of him in months, plus it would prove he was still in Newport and was probably living here. After the picture that Tosh had shown him, Ianto had completely disappeared again. Jack had driven every night around Newport but hadn't even seen the slightest prove that Ianto Jones was still in Newport.

"Please let it be him." Jack pleaded to anyone or anything that might hear him. He didn't believe in a god but he didn't care about that right now. He was prepared to do anything to get Ianto back again. He figured that if there was a god somewhere, now would be the time to ask him or her something. He had done enough to help others since he had joined Torchwood to ask something for himself for once. If there was a god, now would be a good time for that god to reward him.

Jack frantically looked around. Desperate to catch a glimpse of the man he loves. Too focused on the cars he was passing Jack didn't notice the dark alleyway he passed. Nor did he see the car parked there. Not knowing he'd just passed the man he was searching for he continued driving. He searched the entire area until dawn. Never noticing the car that stayed there until morning.

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**Please tell me what you think I always love reading your opinions and your reviews always put a smile on my face. And of course let me please know if I got something wrong.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello Again!**

**I want to apologize in advance for any mistakes you might see. I'm tired, I've worked the entire week and I've got problems with my health again, so there probably will be a few errors in this chapter. If you see them please tell me so I can correct them when I put the next chapter online.**

**A lot of you told me you wanted to see Jack and Ianto reunite. Please be patient because it won't be for another few chapters at least.**

**For now, please enjoy this chapter.**

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Gwen sighed as Jack walked out of the hub. He'd been in a foul mood the whole day. After their fight two months ago Jack had barely spoken a word to her. She still didn't understand how he could choose the tea boy over her, but if he wanted Ianto that bad then she would just sit and wait for it to all come crashing down. She would be there for him when he finally came to his senses.

"Don't you guys think he is taking this a bit too far?" She asked her teammates.

"Sorry?" Tosh answered. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Well Ianto has been missing for four months, we're not any closer to finding him but we do spend a lot of our time searching for him, time we could spend on more useful things."

"How can you say that! Of course we're searching for him! He is our friend!" Tosh exclaimed.

"The only reason he left us is because he believed Jack would rather play happy families with you then loving him." Owen joined in. "But I think Jack has proved the last few months that's not the case and I for one would like to show that to Ianto. God knows he's been hurt enough the last couple of years to deserve something good happening to him."

Gwen huffed and walked away to go to the shooting range.

"How can she say something like that?" Tosh turned to Owen.

"I know the way she said it was careless, but she is right Tosh. We spend a lot of time searching Ianto but we find nothing. I don't want to give up but we have to face facts eventually and realise that we might not find him." Owen didn't want to hurt her but he did believe what he'd just said. If they didn't find Ianto soon, maybe it was time to let him go.

* * *

Jack was in a mood, he knew it but he didn't feel like doing anything about it. Today it was exactly four months since Ianto had walked out of his life. If you had told him two years ago he would be driving himself mad because he loved some young Welshman he would have laughed himself silly. Now he didn't see anything to laugh about.

He looked out of the window and looked into the Hub. His eye fell on Tosh and Owen. Over the last three months Owen had finally worked on his attitude towards Toshiko and admitted his feelings for her. He and Tosh now had something Jack had stupidly thrown away. Knowing this hadn't really raised Jack's spirits the last few months either. Tosh and Owen had something he would love to have with Ianto, but because of his own stupidity it wasn't possible anymore.

Suddenly Jack realised that Owen and Tosh weren't just hugging. Tosh was crying and Owen was comforting her.

"Toshiko?" He asked as soon as he had reached the main part of the hub. "Are you alright?"

It was Owen who answered him. "Jack can I have a talk with you in your office?" Owen's eyes never left Toshiko's face.

"Yeah, sure." Jack was worried. Toshiko was crying and Owen wanted to talk to him in private. He wondered what was going on but at the same time he had this awful feeling of dread settling in his stomach, whatever Owen wanted to talk about, it wouldn't be good.

He closed the door as soon as they were in his office. He didn't know where Gwen was and he was sure it was for the best she didn't overhear what they were about to discuss, even though he still didn't know what was wrong.

"What's going on?"

"Gwen was being nasty but she did say some things that had some truth in them."

"Like what?" Over the last few months his view of Gwen had changed and not for the better. He had a feeling that whatever she'd said hadn't been good.

"How long are we going to continue looking for Ianto? We haven't seen a sign of him for months. He could be anywhere and we haven't got a clue where we even have to look for him."

"That's not true! I saw him a month ago in Newport!" He had to convince Owen to keep looking for Ianto. If they stopped looking for him they were never going to find him.

Owen ran his hand over his face he didn't want to do this but he knew he needed to. "You don't know that for certain." He said tiredly. "You passed a car and you thought you might have seen Ianto, but when you drove back you didn't see anyone who even looked like him."

"I can't give up on him. Not now. He's only been gone for four months."

"What about two more months then? In two months it will be half a year since his disappearance. If we haven't found anything then, we'll stop searching." Owen hoped that Jack would agree. He knew they needed to stop searching soon. He didn't want to stop searching either which made it hard for him to discuss this with Jack.

"I don't want to give up, Owen. If I give up then I've truly failed him. First I fail him by making him believe he was a second choice to Gwen Cooper and then I fail him by not even being able to prove him wrong." In the back of his head Jack knew that what Owen was saying was true. He just didn't want to face to possibility of never being able to see Ianto again.

"Please see reason, Jack. I don't want to stop looking for him either but we can't continue using all our resources on finding Ianto." Owen didn't want to fight Jack on this. He wanted to have Ianto back in the hub working with them. "Please Jack. We won't give up now. We'll search for two more months and after that we'll respect his choice and let him go."

"Two more months?" Jack asked defeated.

"Two more months."

"Fine. Now leave me alone."

Owen was glad he was allowed to leave Jack's office. He'd known that this conversation wasn't going to be fun but actually having it was ten times worse. He walked back to Tosh's station.

"How did it go?" She asked nervously, when she saw him approaching.

"We've got two more months to find Ianto. After that we're going to have to let him go and live his own life." He embraced her when she stated to cry again.

"I don't want to give up in him"

"Neither do I Toshiko. Neither do I."

* * *

Jack watched as Tosh and Owen left. Not long after that Gwen appeared, collected her stuff from her desk and left as well.

"Please Ianto. Let me find you soon because I'm running out of time."

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**Please let me know what you think.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey everyone.**

**Another chapter. I know last chapter wasn't the best and thanks to all of you who reviewed anyway. I know you are all desperate for the reunion. All I can promise you things will get interesting in the chapter after the next. **

**For now have fun reading this chapter.**

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One more month. One more month and then Jack would be forced to give up on searching for Ianto. Since Owen had given Jack the deadline he had been desperate to find him. Sometimes when he was out of the Hub he thought he saw Ianto somewhere but every time he stopped to check it out it turned out it wasn't his lover. Sometimes it was just someone who looked like him and sometimes it turned out there wasn't anything at all.

He was driving trough Newport again. It was the only lead he had to where Ianto might be. He had to admit that the changes of finding Ianto this way were very slim. He had been having these nightly trips to Newport for four months and apart from that one time he hadn't seen anything that even suggested that Ianto might still be in Newport.

He had been driving around for two hours now. He realised that tonight wasn't going to be fruitful either. He better get back to the hub and continue tomorrow. Who knew maybe it would be his lucky day.

One month left. "Come on Ianto. Where are you?"

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"Dafydd?" Dafydd looked up as Lis entered the staff room.

"Yes, Lis?"

Lizzie stood in the door opening. Judging by the way she was rolling her feet back and forth she was clearly uncomfortable taking to him.

"Do you have anything to do next Friday night?"

"No why?" He would almost think she was going to ask him out. He knew that would never happen. Lizzie was going to marry Daniel in October, a man she'd met on the train from Newport to London.

"Well I was talking to my cousin last night, you know the one that's my best friend at the same time, and we started talking about you." She looked at him like he was supposed to know the whole story now and expected him to say something.

"Yes, so?" He asked. Not having a clue to where this conversation was going.

"Well she is single and she would like meet you." She told him excited while at the same time she was looking at him like he was dim.

Suddenly he realised where this was going. "She wants to meet me? Like on a date?"

"Please, Dafydd. She hasn't had a boyfriend in ages and you two will be perfect for each other." She pleaded.

"How can you even be sure I'll be perfect for her. I don't even remember my last girlfriend, but apparently she died. Who's to say that won't happen again!" Dafydd knew he was being a irrational. Still, how could he get a girlfriend knowing that his last girlfriend had died.

"Dafydd, stop it. What happened to Lisa was just bad luck. She died during a robbery. From what you've told me there is nothing you could have done to help her." Lizzie tried to reason with him. Dafydd still wasn't to sure if that really was how Lisa had died. He knew that the diary was full of lies, who was to say this wasn't a lie. "Please just one date. If it doesn't work out I'll never try to set you up again."

"Fine. One date and if it doesn't work out we'll never mention it again. Deal?"

"Deal"

* * *

Friday night came quickly and before he knew it Dafydd was sitting in a fancy restaurant waiting for Lizzie's cousin who was called Rhona.

He was sitting for about five minutes when a young woman walked in she had black hair, blue eyes and a pale skin that didn't show any imperfections. She confidently sat down in front of him.

"Hello, you must be Dafydd. I'm Rhona, Lizzie's cousin."

"Hello it's a pleasure to meet you." She was beautiful. Dafydd was glad he'd agreed to meet her. They hadn't talked yet but his first impression told him that she seemed like a nice girl.

They started to talk. Dafydd told Rhona about his life - as far as he knew it - and Rhona told him about her work as a teacher in a primary school.

After dinner they decided to meet again and to keep in contact. Dafydd knew he had until Monday to relax because then Lizzie would surely interrogate him as soon as she saw him.

* * *

When he walked into the hotel on Monday using the staff entrance he was immediately proven right. Before he had reached the staff room Lis stopped him.

"Well?" She asked. "How did it go?"

"Didn't you question your cousin?" He was surprised she asked him. Surely she would have interrogated Rhona by now. Lis could be very nosy if she wanted to be.

"Of course I did, but that is just one side of the story. I want to hear your side as well. Come on Dafydd tell me. How did it go?"

He could barely contain his laughter as he watched her. She was so excited it made his day just watching her being so excited about the idea that he and get cousin might start a relationship. If she was like this after the first date then God help him if he and Rhone would like to have a relationship together.

"A gentleman never kiss and tells." He smirked. He loved winding her up like this.

"So, did you kiss?"

"Now, that would be telling, wouldn't it?" She looked at him. Desperate for more information. "Seriously tough, nothing happened. We had dinner nothing more."

"And how did the dinner go?"

He smiled at her. It was obvious she wanted them to be together. "The dinner went well, Lis. We'll keep in contact and we'll probably go out again."

"Yeeee! I'm so happy for you!" She squealed. She hugged him until Dafydd thought that if she didn't let him go soon he would suffocate. That would make it a bit hard to take Rhona out on a second date.

Suddenly Lis turned serious. "Did you tell her about your memory loss?"

Dafydd started to study his shoes. After a little while he looked up again and to meet her gaze.

"I didn't know how to tell her. But she doesn't have to know yet, does she? I mean I've only met her once and it is quite personnel."

"Okay." Lis said, but Dafydd could see that she was not convinced. "Just promise me that you will tell her if things get more serious. Don't make it a big secret, that's only going to get you both hurt."

"I promise." He meant it. He might not feel comfortable about telling Rhona about his memory loss, but he did see where Lis was coming from. It was not something that was worth one of them getting hurt over.

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**So that's it for now. I'll upload chapter fourteen in four days. Please let me know what your opinions about this chapter and if you see any mistakes please point them out to me. Bye.**


	14. Chapter 14

**I know I'm a day late, I'm sorry. I was busy yesterday and I didn't have time to update. **

**Ukdramafan asked why they didn't let a facial recognition program run over the CCTV from Newport: During the first series they use facial recognition but they first search manually for the CCTV footage they want to use. I don't think they are able to automatically check all the CCTV with a recognition program. They have to do it manually which takes too much time and judging by the fact that in the series Ianto had to check which of the suspects they had found using they program was the thief, I don't think it's always very reliable. Sorry for any confusion about why I didn't use automatic facial recognition in this story. I thought I'd explained it in one of the previous chapters, but when I was looking it up I saw I'd forgotten, sorry.**

**Anyway, have fun reading the next chapter.**

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Dafydd was happy. Over the last few weeks he and Rhona had gone out a couple of times. He felt comfortable around her. She made him feel like he could be himself around her. The feeling inside him that there still was something missing was something he ignored. It was probably a feeling from his past and it wouldn't do any good to dwell on it.

When he had told Rhona about the missing years in his life she had been shocked. He didn't blame her for that, he would have been too if someone told him they were missing four years of their life. And as soon as the shock was over she had offered her help in case he wanted to remember some things or if he wanted to search for some answers for some things. She made it possible for him to talk to someone about his problems without feeling pitied.

They'd both agreed to take it slow, in case it turned out that they worked as friends but not as a couple, but if things stayed like they were now Dafydd knew he would ask her out one day as his girlfriend.

* * *

"Jack can we talk?"

Jack looked up when he heard Owen talking to him. He expected to see Owen on his own but to his surprise he saw Toshiko standing next to him. He knew they'd grown closer the last few months and he wondered what they wanted to discuss. Suddenly Jack realised what day it was today and he felt himself growing pale.

His blood froze in his veins. "please, no." He begged. "Please, I'll find him. Just give me more time, please."

It scared Tosh to see Jack like that. Normally Jack was the strongest out of the entire team. To see Jack begging was something she'd never wanted or expected to see. Quickly she crouched down next to him.

"We don't want to stop searching for Ianto either, but we can't continue to search for him forever. It's been half a year today, maybe it's time to let him go." Jack looked so defeated that Tosh's heart broke at the sight of him. "I'm sorry, Jack."

"I need to find him." Jack had never felt this desperate in his entire long life. He needed to find Ianto. To tell him that he loves him, to hold him, to beg for forgiveness and most importantly to take care of him and to love him. "please."

"We know you need to find him, Jack." This time it was Owen who tried to persuade Jack to stop." But we simply don't know where else to look. We've tried everything we know to get him back and it didn't work. Like Tosh said, we can't keep searching forever. We have to admit defeat eventually and if we don't stop now we'll never stop. Please Jack, let Ianto be."

"Retcon me." Owen had to suppress a shiver when he heard Jack. He sounded almost happy to the idea of being Retconned. Jack hated Retcon, especially when it was used on him. "If you Retcon me enough to lose two years, I won't remember Ianto."

Tosh looked nervously between the two men. She could understand where Jack was coming from but the idea of another colleague being Retconned frightened her. Jack probably wouldn't leave Torchwood but they would never be able to talk again about the good times the four of them had. 'Please Owen, convince him to let Ianto go without taking Retcon.' She silently pleaded.

Meanwhile Owen looked apologetic to Jack. "I'm sorry Jack. It wouldn't work. You've always been resistant to big doses of Retcon. And even if you weren't it wouldn't work. There are too many memories of Ianto around here. You would break the Retcon within an hour. Plus if you forget the last two years you would forget hiring Gwen and you would forget Suzie's death as well."

"I don't care about Gwen." Jack tried stubbornly. Purposely not mentioning the part about Suzie.

"Jack please. Two months ago we agreed that we would continue until he would be gone for exactly half a year. It's been six months today. Let him live his life in peace Jack. If you find him now than you'll have to rip his entire world away again before he would be able to be with you and work here again. Please see reason."

"I don't want to." Tears started to run down Jack's cheeks.

"Neither do we Jack but we can't keep doing this. Please tell you understand that." Tosh pleaded.

Jack just nodded at Tosh's request. "yeah, I do"

"So you'll let Ianto go and let him live his own life?"

Again, Jack nodded. He didn't having the energy and the will to speak. He probably wouldn't even be able to give them a real answer judging by the way he was feeling at the moment. It felt like his chest was getting crushed. As if there was a lorry driving over him. If he would try to talk at the moment he would probably and up crying.

Tosh and Owen shared a look and quickly left the office, not wanting to be around while Jack was breaking down like that. Stepping out of the office they were immediately confronted by Gwen.

"Owen, Toshiko is everything alright with Jack?"

Knowing that they wouldn't be able to keep it from Gwen anyway, Owen decided it would be better to tell Gwen what was going on now, rather than trying to avoid it all together which would probably end up with Gwen demanding Jack to tell her what had happened and he doubted Jack would be up for that. "We're going to stop searching for Ianto."

"Oh poor Jack. I know he wanted to find him. Maybe I should go to his office to cheer him up. He will probably feel a lot better when he has someone to talk to." She stared wishfully to Jack's office. What she didn't see was the expressiono n Tosh's face, so she was completely taken by surprise when she got smacked a few seconds later.

"Don't you have any decency!" Tosh cried out. "Jack is mourning because he just lost the man he loves and the first thing you try to do is get into his pants! I thought that one month ago you had finally given up on Jack!"

"Oh please I was just waiting until you all realised that this thing between Jack and Ianto was only going to end up in tears."

"Whatever, just stay away from Jack!"

Owen looked admiring to Tosh. Over the last few months he had got to known her quite well. He knew you had to be careful if she got really angry, but he'd never expected her to hit Gwen and then continue to yell at her. when he saw Gwen making a hasty escape to the cogwheel he embraced her.

"Calm down, love. She's not worth getting upset over." He mumbled in her hair.

"I know but Ianto is my best friend. I hate the fact that I'll probably never see him again and even if by some miracle I'll see him he won't recognise me. To hear Gwen being so happy with losing him..." She sobbed.

"I know. Why don't we both go home and I'll run you a bath. Jack wants to be alone at the moment and there is not a lot we can do anyway." Owen suggested. Tosh needed to calm down and he knew that the Hub want the best place for that at the moment. "Come on." He said while he gave her a soft pull on her arm to get her to the door.

* * *

Jack saw his team leave, first Gwen and a few minutes later Owen and Tosh. Sighing he turned the computer on. He needed to get his thoughts sorted. Normally he would go to the one of the highest rooftops in Cardiff, but he knew that wans't going to work today. He needed to see what he was thinking and the only way he could see that happening was if he wrote everything down.

_6th of July 2008, Cardiff_

_I really lost Ianto now. After 6 months of searching we're not any closer to finding him. Toshiko and Owen told me today I need to stop searching for him. I didn't want to but eventually I gave in and agreed with them to let Ianto go._

_How could I've been so blind and not see how he was hurting all those months ago. He was always there for me, even if I didn't ask him to, but I was never there for him when it really mattered. He needed to hear that I love him but I was too afraid of losing him to say it. Now he has left me because he believed I didn't love him, because I didn't say it._

_I sometimes dream about us reuniting with each other. In my dreams I tell him that I love him, we are able to work everything out and at the end of my dream we're together again. It looks like after today that that dream will never be reality._

_I love you Ianto, forever. No matter where you are or what you do.  
Jack_

* * *

**I know, I'm a horrible person. Please let me know what you think of this chapter. The next chapter is really exciting and I'll try to put it up on Wednesday (in Europe). See you all in a few days.**


	15. Chapter 15

**I am so excited about this chapter. I'm not going to tell you what it is about you are just going to have to read it. **

**There is a song in this chapter called Still Here by Kristian Valen.**

**Enjoy, I certainly did. This chapter is set two days after the previous chapter.**

* * *

Dafydd Matthewson was sad. He had been for a few days and he had no idea why. Today it was really bad. Sometimes he felt like he wanted to cry for no reason at all. It was a beautiful day, warm, dry and sunny, so he wasn't depressed because of the weather. He had decided to take a few days off and go to London for a few days. Who knew maybe he would feel better after a few days off.

He was just outside Newport when something on the radio caught his attention.

_"It's the 8th of July 2008 today which makes it exactly two years since the terrorist attack at Canary Wharf. More than four hundred people died and only twenty seven survived. "_

He parked the car on the side of the road. The sad feeling he had been feeling suddenly intensified. His eyes started to water and soon he was crying. What was happening to him? It was two years ago, so he didn't even remember the attack the man on the radio was talking about.

_"We will always remember all the people who suffered in some way because of the attack. This song is for the families, friends of the people who died and of course for the survivors."_  
_  
Are you slipping away,  
this is hard for me to say,  
I'm barely holding on,  
So scared of the unknown,  
_  
He started to see those flashes again, of things he didn't remember. It was like those blue eyes he'd seen almost half a year ago only this time it wasn't just the blue eyes he saw.

There was fire everywhere around him. A beautiful girl was lying on a sort of weird looking table. She was surrounded by metal and was dying and there was nothing he could do about it. Somewhere he in his mind he knew the girl was called Lisa and that the table was a conversion unit.

_I'm still here,  
Holding your hand,_

He helped her. He would always try to help her, no matter what. He loved her and that would never change.

_Close your eyes I'll stay beside you,  
I'm still here I won't let them find you,  
I'll be lying right here by your side,  
And even though my heart is breaking,  
Seeing you like this I'll face it,  
Don't be afraid you're not alone,  
_  
It was nighttime and he was looking after Lisa in the basement of the Hub, trying to cure her. He was holding her hand giving her every comfort he could possibly think of. He needed her to get better, she was everything to him. He was with her every night. During the day he would work for Torchwood 3 but when Jack would send him home he would sneak back in to go to Lisa.

_From now I walk alone,  
No one to guide me,  
I'm completely alone,  
Was it worth all this pain,  
For just a stolen moment,  
In the rain,  
_  
Lisa was dead. His colleagues had shot her. the woman he loved more than anything was dead, for real this time. On top of that he had betrayed all the friends he had made here by hiding her and had ultimately lost Jack as well. He knew Jack had liked him in his own way. Jack had taken care of him sometimes when he had needed it but now that would surely stop. Jack would hate him now.

_I'm still here,  
Holding your hand,_

Jack never stopped surprising Ianto. Just a few days after Lisa had died, Jack turned up on his doorstep apologizing for the things he had done and said while they had been fighting her. That night Jack held him in his arms trying to keep the nightmares at bay.

_Close your eyes I'll stay beside you,  
I'm still here I won't let them find you,  
I'll be lying right here by your side,  
And even though my heart is breaking,  
Seeing you like this I'll face it,  
Don't be afraid you're not alone,  
_  
Jack was taking care of him. After working hours Jack would take him home and make some dinner. They would talk and slowly they forgave each other for the things they'd said and done concerning Lisa. Jack would stay overnight sometimes and sometimes Ianto would stay at the hub to take care of Jack after a rough day. Slowly he began to fall in love with Captain Jack Harkness.

_How can I,  
Move on and fly,  
When I still don't know the reason why,  
You and I,  
We touched the sky,  
Someone give me a reason why,  
_  
Seeing Jack and Gwen flirt with each other every day broke his heart. He loved Jack but Jack didn't love him, that was clear to him. Jack was amazing towards him. He took care of Ianto like he was his lover even if he didn't have to do that. Sometimes, just for a moment, Ianto could pretend to know what it was like being loved by Jack Harkness. The biggest problem he had was that he couldn't fall for anyone else. He knew how incredible Jack was and how good they could have been together if Jack had actually loved him. No one could even try to compare to Jack. Why couldn't Jack love him?

_I'm still here,  
Holding your hand,_

No matter what he would always be there for Jack. Jack had proven to him that the relationship they had only was for sex and comfort and definitely not love, but that wouldn't stop Ianto for treating Jack like he would treat his lover, after all, in a way Jack was.

_Close your eyes I'll stay beside you,  
I'm still here I won't let them find you,  
I'll be lying right here by your side,  
And even though my heart is breaking,  
Seeing you like this I'll face it,  
Don't be afraid you're not alone,_

Whatever happened during the day he would always end up in bed with Jack. When the nightmares came Jack would wake him up and calm him down and he would do the same for Jack. They wouldn't talk about it in the morning. What good would that do? It would only bring up bad memories for both of them.

_So close your eyes I'll stay beside you,  
I'm still here I won't let them find you,  
I'll be lying right here by your side,  
And even though my heart is breaking,  
Seeing you like this I'll face it,  
Don't be afraid you're not alone,_

He couldn't take it anymore. Jack kept on flirting with Gwen and ignoring Ianto's love. He was going to Retcon himself, at least he knew Jack wouldn't be on his own. Gwen would take care of Jack when Ianto was gone. He couldn't take the heartache of seeing them together and he wouldn't ask Jack to give up the happiness he could find with Gwen. He knew Gwen loved Jack and Ianto knew with some explaining about the here she thought Jack was, she could take far better care of Jack than he ever could.

The last flash he saw before the song ended was him taking the Retcon, effectively removing four years of his memory.

Ianto collapsed in a sobbing heap in front of the steering wheel. He remembered everything. The first time Torchwood approached him, his first day at the tower, meeting Lisa, falling in love, the battle, going to Cardiff with Lisa in a lorry behind him, meeting Jack, catching Myfanwy, his first day at Torchwood 3, hiding Lisa in the basement, Jack and the team finding Lisa and shooting her, the first time he slept with Jack, Jack flirting with him but more with Gwen, Jack leaving with the Doctor, Jack coming back, Jack asking him out on a date, the confrontation between Jack and Gwen after the space whale and finally him changing his identity and Retconning himself. How was he going to deal with all of this?

For a bit longer than half a year he'd wondered what had happened in those four years. Now he remembered everything and he wished he didn't. With his memories returned he picked up exactly where he had left half a year ago. He was depressed that Jack didn't return his feelings and his feelings for Jack had fully returned, he was head over heels in love with Jack again.

Fumbling, he reached for his phone. He needed to talk to someone who wouldn't judge him and could understand where he was coming from.

* * *

**Well, was it good? I had this idea for months and I was so glad when I could finally write this chapter because I came up with this somewhere around writing chapter 7. I've already got the next chapter written and I'll post it in a few days. Until then you've got this chapter to enjoy yourself with.**


	16. Chapter 16

**I know I'm terribly late. The last few months have been really hectic. I had one last project to do and now I've finished school. I'm so happy about that! Thank you all for your lovely reviews. I won't keep you any longer, so enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

Toshiko was working on her own in the hub. Gwen had left an hour ago and Owen had taken Jack to the pub ten minutes ago. Since they had given up on finding Ianto two days ago Jack had fallen into a depression. Owen being Owen had decided it would do Jack a world of good to become absolutely pissed. Tosh had stayed behind, it was only three o'clock and she wanted to continue on a program she'd been working on. She didn't really mind being in the hub on her own since it meant that none of the other team members would try to distract her this way, and she didn't feel like getting drunk anyway. So when the others had decided to leave she'd told them that she would look after the rift. As soon as she had said it Owen had quickly given her a kiss and had ordered Jack to come with him.

Jack had been really bad the last two days. They rarely saw him and when they did it was clear that he'd been crying. If someone as much as mentioned something he would be able to relate to Ianto he would close up and go back to his office. Jack was grieving and they had no idea how to help him with moving on.

Toshiko was startled out of her thoughts when her phone rang. She picked it up and looked at the display. It wasn't a number she recognised. She wondered if she should pick it up. She was on her own in the hub while an unknown person rang her. If something happened she would be on her own. She didn't know what the danger was in picking up a phone but this was Torchwood so you could never know. A couple of months a few teenage avealusians had somehow managed to steal Gwen's phone and when she had been calling Jack. Jack had been deaf for about an hour since avealusians didn't seem to get that what they called talking was something humans considered an horrible scream that made you shiver.

"Hello?" She answered carefully. Being careful not to give her name just to be on the safe side.

"Toshiko?" She nearly dropped the phone in shock. The voice on the other side was a voice she knew very well and she would recognise anywhere.

"Ianto? Is that you?" As much as she wanted it to be Ianto she had to ask. They had given up hope. Why would he call her now?

"Yes. Tosh I'm sorry." He sounded heartbroken. Toshiko started to get concerned. Half a year ago Ianto had Retconned himself and know he was calling her sounding like his entire world had just collapsed. "I know you probably hate me at the moment for leaving like I did but I need your help. There was this thing on the radio so I parked my car and then they played a song and I saw everything flash before my eyes and I don't know what to do. Please Tosh help me."

"Ianto slow down. Where are you. Please tell me where you are and I'll meet you there." She said hoping that Ianto wouldn't argue with her on this. She knew how stubborn Ianto could be. He was always there for everybody but he never expected someone else to help him. Plus if he told her where he was she would be able to find him she would be able to see at least his license plate. Which would make it easier for her to track him if he tried to disappear again.

She was pleasantly surprised when Ianto told her where he was, but she did realise just how upset he must be if he didn't complain about her doing too much for him.

* * *

30 minutes - and about a hundred text messages to Owen - later she saw Ianto's car on the side of the road. Owen hadn't been impressed when she had told him she needed to go somewhere but she couldn't tell him where. In the end she'd told him that she was going to go anyway and that if he didn't come back no one would be in to man the rift.

She parked her car behind Ianto's and ran to his car, memorizing his license plate on the way. Finally, after six months, she'd found her friend. Ianto was leaning against his car and was clearly miles away. She startled him out of his thoughts when she started to hug him.

As soon as she started to hug Ianto he started to cry again. Toshiko just held him while he tried to compose himself. When his sobs quietened he pulled himself away from the hug and stood awkwardly in front of Tosh.

Tosh decided to take control of the situation and told Ianto to get into her car.

"What about my car?" Ianto asked her.

"We'll get it back tomorrow."

After a few instructions from Ianto, Tosh drove to Ianto's new flat in Newport. During the drive Ianto was sitting quietly in the passenger side. Toshiko hadn't asked what happened yet, but it must have been something pretty big to shake Ianto up like this.

When they arrived he made them a cup of coffee and they sat down on the sofa. When Ianto didn't start talking Tosh decided to get him talking.

"What happened? We thought you'd Retconned yourself." She asked it very carefully, but the question made Ianto look down again with a broken expression in his face.

She listened patiently as Ianto told her what had happened over the last six months. He told her about waking up in a strange apartment, realising he had lost four years of his memories, seeing Jack's eyes but not knowing who it was he was seeing, trying to figure out what to do with his life, getting a job, meeting Lizzie, seeing the SUV multiple times, the date with Rhona and finally breaking the Retcon. At the end of his story she had tears in her eyes.

'He was starting to have such a good life and now that's been ruined for him again' she thought.

She looked beside her. Ianto was back to sitting quietly on the sofa. "What are you going to do now?"

Ianto shrugged. "I don't know. I might Retcon myself again, but who's to say it will work this time. I can't go back to Torchwood for obvious reasons. So in the end I'll have no choice but to Retcon myself."

"Why can't you go back?" Even though Toshiko knew the answer she asked the question anyway. She needed to convince Ianto to work for Torchwood again and to show him that Jack did love him would definitely improve her chances.

"I love Jack, Tosh. I love him with all my heart and I'll always love him, but he doesn't love me. I'll never be enough for him and that's alright, it's not like I can force him to feel something for me he doesn't feel, but I can't stay and watch him be happy with someone else. He is from the 51st century, he has seen the most amazing planets and the most amazing aliens. He has had so many lovers, who gave him far more than I would ever be able to give him. After all why would he settle down with some naïve human male from the 21st century when he knows he is also able to hook up with some alien with nine tentacles who is able to satisfy him in ways I can't even begin to imagine. I have to move on. I can't stay in Torchwood hoping against all hope that one day he'll return my feelings." At the end of his little speech the tears were back in Ianto's eyes. Why couldn't Tosh understand that he wasn't able to see Jack everyday but not being able to act in his feelings.

It hurt Tosh to see Ianto like this. The only time she'd seen him cry was when the cyberwomen had been shot by her and the rest of the team. Seeing him in this much pain because he loved Jack made her heart ache for him and made her want to smack Jack at the same time. "Ianto, you're wrong. Jack does love you, very much."

Ianto snorted at that. "Please don't insult my intelligence or my eyesight. I saw Gwen and Jack together for almost two years, it's plain to see that they love each other. He can't have her so he'll fuck me while loving her. I can't blame him, I understand. Why would he settle down for me when he-"

"Is completely head over heels in love with you?" Tosh cut in. Ianto looked at her like she'd just grown another head. "He loves you, Ianto! The last six months have been complete and utter hell for him! Two days ago Owen forced him to stop searching for you because if he didn't force him to stop Jack would never have stopped looking for you! Jack has tried everything he could think of to find you. After we found a picture of you here in Newport Jack started to look for you here. Every night for the past five months he has driven around Newport desperately trying to find you! Trust me, if your reason for not coming back to Torchwood is because you believe Jack doesn't love you I'll drag you to the hub, right now if I have too!"

Ianto looked stunned. "Jack loves me?" He asked breathlessly. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Could Jack really love him like he loved Jack? He had trouble getting his head around it. A voice in his head whispered it was a trick to get him back to the hub. But if what Tosh was saying was true then Jack had been searching almost none stop for him.

Toshiko watched Ianto as different emotions ran across his face. "He really doesn't love Gwen. Since your disappearance he has made that perfectly clear. If you want to I could even show you some CCTV footage of Jack fighting with Gwen after he tried to make it clear to her as well. Gwen doesn't seem to get it but Jack will never feel anything close to love towards her." she told him. Knowing that he needed to hear about Jack's relationship with Gwen before he would be able to make a decision.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Ianto was trying to progress everything he'd just heard. He had different options to choose from now. He could Retcon himself again, keep his memories but stay away from Torchwood or he could go back. "I don't know what to do."

"Please Ianto, just-"

"Just give me a few days."

She nodded. There wasn't much more she would be able to do now. She knew Ianto always thought things through before he made a decision. It would only make sense that he had to think very carefully about this. She had just asked to change his life for the second time in six months.

* * *

**Please tell me what you thought about it. Hopefully the next chapter will be easy to write and I won't have to keep you waiting for long.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Happy new year! Like I promised, only a few days between this chapter and chapter 16. Thanks again to all who reviewed, followed and favourited this story. **

**Good news my best friend has started reading this story and has made it her mission to get me to write this story as fast as possible. **

**A special thank you to sd4ianto who gave me a great idea in her review. Thank you so much for that. Enjoy the next chapter.**

* * *

Tosh was happy for some reason. She had been happy for days now and Jack had no idea why. He had asked her, but every time he had tried she would distract him and evade the question. He had asked Owen if he knew what had put her in such a good mood, but even Owen didn't know what had put a smile on his girlfriend's face. It was a mystery no one in the hub had an answer for.

"Morning Jack." She said when she saw him watching her.

"Good morning, Toshiko"

"How are you today, Jack?"

The smile Jack had got on his face from watching Toshiko quickly disappeared. "I still miss him. It's like there is this hole inside me. It's been there since Ianto left but now that I know he's truly gone it has grown bigger."

Tosh started to feel uncomfortable. Jack didn't share his feelings a lot. He only did it when he felt really shit. For Jack to make a confession like this meant he was broken on the inside. She desperately wanted to tell him that Ianto broke the Retcon, that he remembered Jack again. However, she knew that if she told him that and Ianto decided that he didn't want to have anything to do with Torchwood and Jack after all, it would break him beyond recognition. To know that Ianto remembered him but didn't want to have Jack back in his life. No, it would be kinder that if Ianto decided to turn his back on him, Jack would believe Ianto was still affected by the Retcon. Tosh didn't think that Ianto would abandon Jack. He loved Jack too much for that. But this was still Ianto she was thinking about. Who knew what was going on in his head.

"Toshiko!"

Jack calling her name pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you for asking." She said and quickly walked over to her computer.

Jack watched her go. He really wanted to find out what was going on with Toshiko. Her behaviour had been really weird lately.

* * *

Around 1 o'clock Jack decided to get some sandwiches. After getting some in a shop on the plass he put everything down in the conference room and called the rest of the team. This was something Jack always enjoyed, eating lunch with the rest of the team. To have the normalcy of a normal lunch break was something really precious considering how abnormal their job was.

Halfway through lunch Tosh got a phone call. She quickly excused herself and went outside. Jack waited a minute before he told the rest of the team he needed to use the toilet and went after her.

"I'll come over tonight. I'll tell Owen I need to see someone about some virus and then I'll be with you around 7 o'clock."

Jack came abruptly to a halt. This couldn't be what it sounded like. Because it sounded like Tosh was cheating on Owen. Why else would she lie to Owen to see someone else? That couldn't be right, Toshiko was far too nice to go behind someone's back like this.

"If it isn't too much trouble I would love to have dinner with you. We've still got a lot of catching up to do."

Jack didn't know what to do. Should he tell Owen about this? If Toshiko was cheating on him it would break him, and if Jack was wrong and she wasn't cheating on Owen he would possibly hurt them both unnecessarily.

"Yes, see you tonight. Take care. Bye."

Toshiko went back to the conference room. Jack was about to head back as well when he noticed Tosh had left her phone on her desk. When he heard Tosh closing the conference room door he walked to her desk and picked up her phone. Quickly he looked who had called her. Someone called Dafydd was on top of the screen. He had never heard her talk about a guy named Dafydd. Who was this guy? There was something going on, but whether it romantically or not he didn't know.

* * *

After the lunch break Jack told Toshiko he wanted to see her in his office. Walking towards his office she wondered what Jack wanted to talk about.

"Something wrong, Jack?" she said, while standing in the doorway.

"Yes. Come in."

His face was unreadable which made her nervous. As far as she knew she hadn't done anything wrong. She tried to remember the last couple of days, but she came up with nothing out of order.

"Who is Dafydd?"

Tosh felt herself tense up. How did Jack find out? Did he know who Dafydd was? Something must have shown on her face because she saw Jack straightening up in his chair, looking at her the way a predator looked at its prey.

"look Tosh, I know you love Owen but you're being really secretively about this guy. So I don't know what to think. If you do like Dafydd that way, please tell Owen."

'He doesn't realise Dafydd is Ianto.' She thought relieved. 'He must have heard me talking to Ianto and didn't realise who I was really talking to.' Suddenly she realised what Jack had been saying about her and Dafydd.

"No! Jack, no! I promise you it's nothing like that!" She exclaimed. "Dafydd is just a friend I'm helping out. I can't say anything about it cause I promised him not to, but trust me he is just a good friend. Nothing more."

As soon as she had said it she saw Jack's face soften.

"Good."

"Was there anything else you needed me for?"

"No, that's it." Jack said. While looking a little embarrassed for having misread the whole situation.

Jack watched as Toshiko left his office. 'Well, at least she has made it clear she wasn't cheating on Owen.' He thought while fighting back the urge to chuckle.

* * *

Around 6 o'clock Jack sent everybody home. Toshiko quickly freshened herself up at home and went to Ianto's. She arrived around 7 o'clock, right on time. She rang the doorbell and Ianto let her in.

"Good evening, Tosh." He welcomed her and gave her a brief hug.

"Good evening, Ianto. How are you?"

"Getting better. It's getting easier to deal with Canary Wharf and Lisa. Mainly because I had already moved past that before I Retconned myself." He answered truthfully.

"And Jack?" She asked.

Ianto looked down. The last few days whenever he had thought of Jack he had also tried to remember what Toshiko had told him. That Jack did indeed love him.

"You must be hungry, let's eat something." Tosh knew what Ianto tried to do. Jack was obviously still a sore subject for him to talk about. She allowed Ianto to get a away with it for now.

Ianto had made lasagne. He knew that Tosh loved it so obviously it was a good choice. During dinner they talked about little things that had happened in the last 6 months. Ianto told her some of the funny moments he had shared with lis and the rest of his colleagues and Tosh told him in return about the more interesting aliens they had dealt with.

After dinner they did the dishes and went back to the living room with a glass of wine. Ianto knew what Toshiko wanted to talk about next. He had been able to deflect the question earlier, but he knew wasn't able to postpone it forever.

"I know you want to ask about Jack." He began. "I just don't know where I stand with him. You say he loves me, but if he really loves me why wait until now to show it? I love him. And I know he loves me to, but to a certain extent, I just don't know if he loves me enough. Most of the time I feel like he loves me more like a good friend than like a lover."

Toshiko started to search for something in her handbag and a few seconds later she gave Ianto a disk.

"I've made some copies of the CCTV in the hub. Please make you're decision after you've seen these. No matter how hard I try, you'll never believe me when I say that Jack is completely in love with you. If this doesn't prove the fact that Jack is truly head over heels in love with you than there really is no hope."

Ianto looked at the disk in his hand. He desperately wanted to believe Toshiko when she told him that Jack loved him. But after almost two years of being treated as a part time shag, a second choice, it was really hard to believe that his feelings were returned. Tosh was right he would never believe her, Jack had damaged too much for that. Could this disk be the prove that he needed?

Looking at Ianto Tosh decided to go home. Ianto had enough on his mind at the moment and if she left him he would be able to watch the CCTV recordings and think about what to do next. He didn't need her now.

* * *

About three hours after Tosh had come home she got a call. She looked at the clock and groaned. It was 11 o'clock, the only one who would call her now was Jack asking for help with something the rift had spewed out. Looking at the display of her mobile she was surprised to see it was Dafydd.

"Ianto?" She answered.

"Toshiko." Ianto sounded like he had been crying. "I've have made my decision."

* * *

**I know, I'm evil. Please review to let me know what you think and of course if you see any mistakes please point them out to me so I can change them. **


	18. Chapter 18

**Hello again. First of all I want to thank you all for the many lovely reviews. A special thanks to nanie123 for pointing out a typo in the last chapter.**

**This is the longest chapter I've ever written. It's about 4.000 words. So don't read this if you've only got a few minutes time before you've got to go somewhere. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter and I hope this meets your expectations.**

* * *

Jack was laying on his bed in his bunker reading an old science fiction book he had started reading a couple of months ago while trying to take his mind off things. Looking at the clock he saw that it was 11 o'clock. He had sent Owen, Tosh and Gwen home hours ago. They were probably asleep already.

He didn't want to fall asleep. If he fell asleep the nightmares would start. Sometimes he saw everything that had happened to him on the Valiant. The first few months after he came back from the Doctor Ianto had held those nightmares at bay by holding him in the night. Ianto had probably never even known how much Jack had relied on him to sleep those months.

Other nights he would see Ianto leaving him. Every time it was different except for one thing. No matter what happened in the nightmare, Ianto would always leave him. The worst one was the one where Jack was just too late to stop Ianto from taking the Retcon. He would enter the room while Ianto swallowed the little white pill. He would hold Ianto while he started to doze of and his memories started to be erased. After that Jack always woke up with a scream and tears on his face.

To say Jack was anxious to fall asleep was putting it mildly. He didn't want to see Ianto looking at him with disappointment just before walking out of his life or the master torturing him to dead. After Ianto's disappearance he tried to stay awake until he couldn't go on. He knew it wasn't healthy but for the last 140 years or so staying healthy hadn't really worried him. He'd also learnt from a website Owen had showed him – to make Jack realise how bad sleep deprivation is – that alcohol has a bigger effect on you if you don't get enough sleep, which had only caused Jack to drink at least four glasses of scotch before falling asleep.

He was about to walk to the cabinet to get some scotch when he heard his phone going off. He walked back to his bed and picked up his phone from the nightstand. Checking his phone he saw he'd gotten a text from Toshiko.

_Could you please come up to the bay?_

Jack sighed. He just wanted to get drunk and forget everything before falling asleep. It looked like that wasn't going to happen right now. He got his coat and while he walked to the tourist information he texted back to Toshiko that he would be up in a minute.

The first thing he noticed when he walked out of the tourist information door was that Toshiko wasn't there. He had expected her to be right outside the door like usual, but wherever she was, she wasn't there. He looked around and suddenly he felt like his heart had stopped beating. About 50 feet away, leaning on the railing, overlooking the bay was Ianto Jones.

Not daring to actually believe that the man in front of him was his Ianto, Jack slowly walked towards him. Standing behind the man he did the only thing he knew could give him an answer.

"Ianto?"

The man in front of him turned around and Jack felt like crying when he saw his lover in front of him. It was his Ianto.

* * *

_**Three hours earlier **_

Ianto heard Toshiko leaving his flat but he couldn't bring himself to look up. According to Tosh the disk in his hand would prove to him that Jack did love him. Eventually he put the disk down on the coffee table and walked to the kitchen to make some more coffee. He couldn't really focus on anything he was doing. His hands were making the coffee but his mind was miles away. He kept thinking about the disk that was currently laying on the table in his living room. Should he watch it? He was scared for what he might see. Tosh had told him that it would prove Jack's love for him, but maybe Tosh had interpreted something wrong and it would only show him how little he meant to Jack. He trusted Tosh and knew it was very unlikely something like that would happen, but when you're scared about something your brain tends to make the problem bigger than it really is.

When he sat down in his living room to drink his coffee he kept staring at the disk. Maybe he could watch the first few minutes. That way he did watch some of it but if he didn't like what he saw he could switch off the television and try to pretend that nothing had happened. He put his coffee down and did the disk in the DVD player.

When he pressed play,the first thing he saw was the hub. He looked at the timestamp, 7th of February 2008, the day after he had taken the Retcon. He saw Jack storming into the hub, running to the conference room. Ianto saw him throwing the letters Ianto had written for the rest of the team on the table before calling the others and going to his office.

As soon as Jack had reached his office and sat down at his desk Ianto saw he looked almost broken. Jack had his arms crossed on the table while leaning his head on his arms. He stayed like that for a while. If he hadn't seen the seconds passing by on the timestamp, Ianto would have believed that there was a fault on the DVD somewhere. After a few minutes Jack looked up and picked Ianto's letter to him off his desk. He opened the letter and started to stare at it.

There was a knock on the door and when Jack didn't answer Toshiko walked into the office.

"_Jack?"_

When Jack looked up Ianto's heart clenched. Now jack was looking up the CCTV was able to catch Jack's face better. He looked broken, it wasn't his imagination. Sadness, desperation, guilt and hopelessness were all etched on his face.

_"All the time I was pushing him away. Denying to everyone that I love him, even to myself. Because I was too afraid to get hurt, and now he has left me."_

Ianto was staring at the television in amazement. Jack had just admitted that he loved him.

_"You can try to get him back. Show him that you love him! I know that you've been treating him wrong the last few weeks, but if you prove to Ianto that it's him you want and not Gwen he might eventually reconsider."_  
_"AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT! HE RETCONNED HIMSELF!"_

Ianto had never heard Jack scream like that. He knew Jack was able to get really angry at someone, but he had never seen jack this mad at someone or at the world. Ianto started to get scared again. Would Jack be angry with him as well? He had a right to be angry with Ianto. He had Retconned himself without Jack's permission and had left Jack without telling him.

On the television Jack had started talking again.

"_He said he couldn't live knowing that he loves me but never being able to be in a relationship with me, so he would Retcon himself to forget about Torchwood. If I know anything about Ianto it is that he is persistent. He will have Retconned himself by now. I'm too late"_

Jack didn't sound angry at him. If anything Jack sounded sorry for him. It sounded like Jack wanted to make things right with him. Somewhere deep inside himself Ianto felt some hope that maybe they were able to make something work. He immediately pushed those thoughts away. This was only the first CCTV clip. Who knew what Jack said in the others?

_"I'm sorry. I didn't know."_  
_"That's okay, you were just trying to help me"_  
_"What are you going to do now?  
__"I don't know."_

The screen went black and after a few seconds Jack's office appeared again while Owen barged in.

_"Is the world ending, Owen? Because if it isn't I would rather be left alone." _

Ianto saw Owen sitting down and started to wonder why Tosh wanted to show him this. After all, Owen wasn't really a person to have a heart to heart with.

_"Well tough. You've been alone for long enough now, mate. You should count yourself lucky that it has been quiet over the last few days or we would have been forced to get you sooner."_

Owen obviously waited for Jack to make some sort of comment, but when jack didn't say anything Owen continued talking.

"_Look, I know I'm not your favourite person to talk to but there aren't a lot of others you can talk to at the moment. I don't think that you really want to talk to Gwen right now and considering that two days ago I spent half an hour convincing Tosh not to put a virus on your computer I don't think she is the right person to open your heart to either. So that means you're stuck with me for the time being."_

Ianto cringed, he never meant to make Tosh mad at Jack.

_"What is there to talk about. I behaved like an idiot and Ianto left me."_

Ianto looked down at his feet. Hearing Jack talk he could hear how much Jack regretted his actions. Jack said he behaved like an idiot but Ianto started to wonder if he had been much better himself.

_"Well considering you've spent an awful lot of time in here I would say that it is a bit more complicated than that."_  
_"He thought that I love Gwen more than I love him. He left so that I could be with her."_

The tone Jack used made it clear just how preposterous Jack thought the idea of him and Gwen being together was. He saw how close Jack was to breaking point. Self-loathing was all over Jack's face. Jack was hating himself for pushing Ianto too far, so far that he left. The more he watched Jack on the CCTV the more Ianto thought he was being the real idiot of the two of them.

_"And I'm guessing you don't love her."  
"Of course not! Sure I've flirted with her a bit more than I usually do with people, but I never intended to make Ianto feel like a second choice. I'll choose him over Gwen any day!" _

Under any other circumstances Ianto would have been jumping up and down with joy, but at the moment the confession Jack had just made was breaking his heart. He had left Jack because he thought Jack didn't love him when Jack had loved him all along.

_"Jack? If you had another chance with Ianto. What would you do?"_

Ianto leaned forward when he heard Owen asking the question. After he had broken the Retcon he had kept asking himself what would happen if he went back to Jack.

_"For starters I would take him out on that date I promised him and most of all I would prove it to him that I love him and not Gwen. Not flirt as much with her, less favouritism, I don't care. He would be my boyfriend and I would make sure that he knew it!"_

The screen went black again and Ianto paused it before the next clip started. He felt like crying, he had never heard Jack being that desperate. On top of that Tosh was obviously right, this really was the ultimate proof that Jack did love him. Jack despised labels, so if Jack wanted to call Ianto his boyfriend it meant that he was absolutely serious about him.

After he had calmed down a bit, Ianto pushed play and soon the black disappeared to reveal the morgue. What was Jack doing in the morgue that could prove to Ianto that Jack loved him? Suddenly Ianto realised who Jack was going to visit.

_"Hello Lisa. It's been a while. I'm sorry for what happened to you. You didn't deserve to die."_

Ianto stared gob smacked at the screen. He had talked about Lisa with Jack, especially during and after his suspension, but he had never expected Jack to talk to Lisa. Jack had said that it had been a while. Did he mean since the time she had tried to take over the hub or had Jack visited her in the morgue before?

"_If you were still alive we probably wouldn't even have been in this mess. This would never have happened to you. You were never afraid to tell him how you feel, took him out on dates, did all that domestic stuff with him and went on camping trips with him. I'm such an idiot for not appreciating him the way you did."_

Jack looked small, lost, like a child who didn't know what to do and was searching for guidance.

"_I thought that he knew how I felt, that I didn't have to say it to him. Of course I needed to say it to him. He's an archivist it's his job to label things, he needs labels. He needed me to tell him that I love him."_

"I'm sorry, Jack." Ianto whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't see how much you loved me. I know now, you never have to say it again. You don't need to label it for me anymore. I know how you feel and that is enough, it should be enough."

"_In the letter Ianto wrote me he said that he believed that if you really love someone you let them go so that they can be happy. What do I do? I want Ianto so much it hurts and if he knows that I love him then it wouldn't be a problem if I broke the effects of the Retcon, the reason he took Retcon would be history anyway. But Ianto choose to Retcon himself because I didn't make him happy. Would it really be the right thing to do? To go against his wishes even though I'm prepared to tell him I love him and to give him everything he needs?"_

"Yes, it would be the right thing to do, Jack." Ianto choked out. "You make me incredibly happy, Jack. If you can forgive me and want me back in your life after what I've done, I'll prove it to you how happy you make me."

Would Jack forgive him after Ianto had hurt so much? Ianto hoped he would. Looking at the CCTV made him believe that everything would work out in the end, but this clip was recorded almost six months ago. Would Jack still want him now?

"_Sometimes I wish he was still with you. You made him happy and you didn't break his heart by being careless. But if he was still with you then that meant that I really had to let him go and I don't know if I'll ever able to do that.__"_

The screen went black again and soon a new clip started playing. Ianto watched all the clips Tosh had put on the DVD.

He saw how much Jack had missed him the last 6 months. How his disappearance had affected Jack. How hopeful Jack looked when he ran out of the hub to search for him after Toshiko had shown Jack the picture of him in Newport, he saw Jack fighting with Gwen while trying to make it clear to her that he didn't love her. That he only loved Ianto. Ianto felt a little bit pleased with himself when Jack had shouted to Gwen that she could never give Jack what Ianto gave him. After that he saw Jack late in his office drinking and looking at pictures of Ianto. Ianto's heart broke at that. He had hurt Jack so much. Even if Jack forgave him he didn't know if he could ever forgive himself.

Looking at the timestamp when the next clip started Ianto knew this would be the last one. This clip was recorded only a little bit more than a week ago.

Jack was sitting in his office and Owen and Toshiko walked in.

_"Jack can we talk?"  
_

Apparently Jack knew what they wanted to talk about and it wasn't good. Ianto saw him going pale and a look of horror and desperation appeared on his face.

_"Please, no. Please, I'll find him. Just give me more time, please." _

He didn't knew what they were talking about, beside the fact that it had something to do with him, but it scared him. He had never seen Jack beg before.

_"We don't want to stop searching for Ianto either, but we can't continue to search for him forever. It's been half a year today, maybe it's time to let him go. I'm sorry, Jack."_

Ianto held his breath for a second when he realised what this was about. Toshiko had told him they had to force Jack to stop looking for him. He hadn't realised when she had told him how bad it had been.

_"I need to find him. Please."_  
_"We know you need to find him, Jack. But we simply don't know where else to look. We've tried everything to get him back and it didn't work. Like Tosh said, we can't keep searching forever. We have to admit defeat eventually and if we don't stop now we'll never stop. Please Jack, let Ianto be."_

His vision started to cloud when he saw how broken Jack looked. Jack knew he was going to lose this argument but he still kept on fighting.

_"Retcon me. If you Retcon me enough to lose two years, I won't remember Ianto."_

When Ianto heard that the first tears started rolling down his cheeks. He knew how Jack had lost two years of his memory before he joined Torchwood. He absolutely despised taking Retcon. He was always scared to lose more of his memory. But now Ianto could hear how much Jack was looking forward to take the Retcon. He had hurt Jack so much that Jack sounded happy at the idea of taking Retcon.

_"I'm sorry Jack. It wouldn't work. You've always been resistant to Retcon. And even if you weren't, it wouldn't work. There are too many memories Ianto around here. You would break the Retcon within an hour. Plus if you forget the last two years you would forget Gwen and you would forget Suzie's death as well."  
__"I don't care about Gwen"_

Jack refused to give up on him, even though Ianto knew he had to give in soon. His heart warmed and broke at the same time when he saw Jack refusing to give up searching for him.

_"Jack please. Two months ago we agreed that we would continue until he would be gone for exactly half a year. It's been six months today. Let him live his life in peace Jack. If you find him now than you'll have to rip his entire world away again before he would be able to be with you and work here again. Please see reason."  
"I don't want to."  
_

By now Jack was crying as well. He looked like all energy had left his body and Ianto knew he was giving up. Jack looked absolutely gutted. Ianto could see the desperation, sadness, hopelessness and grief on Jack's face.

_"Neither do we Jack but we can't keep doing this. Please tell us you understand that."  
"yeah, I do"  
__"So you'll let Ianto go and let him live his own life?"_

The last thing Ianto saw before the screen turned black again was Jack nodding in defeat, not being able to talk or look up to Owen and Tosh.

Ianto broke down after that. The reality of what he had done to Jack settling in. He had taken Retcon because jack was breaking his heart. Instead of talking to Jack about his problems he had done something drastic which had resulted in Jack going through even more pain than Ianto had been going through.

Before Ianto was even aware of what he was doing he was out of the door, in his car, driving towards Cardiff. On his way over he called Tosh with the hands free system in his car.

"Toshiko, I've made my decision."

* * *

**Present time**

"Ianto?"

Ianto turned around, his heart racing. Before he was able to say anything he was pulled against Jack's chest. He felt Jack's arms wrap around him while Jack laid his head on Ianto's shoulder. Soon he felt Jack staring to tremble and he realised Jack was crying. Not being able to hold back his tears either Ianto started to cry as well. Ianto closed his eyes and inhaled Jack's scent. Without knowing it he had missed Jack so much.

"I'm so sorry, Ianto." Jack cried in his shoulder "I love you. I really do. I'll spent the rest of my life trying to prove it to you. Just please don't leave me again. I love you. I love you so much."

He had heard Jack saying those words before on the CCTV, but hearing them now for real felt incredible. To hear Jack declare his love for him while he was actually there to hear it was something Ianto knew he would treasure for the rest of his life.

"I know, Jack. I know. I love you too."

After they had spent almost 15 minutes holding each other Ianto suddenly realised how tired he was. Looking at Jack he knew he must be tired too. Ianto doubted he had slept well the last couple of months. He had seen Jack on the CCTV late at night drinking and knowing Jack it had probably happened more than once. He gently he pulled away from Jack and held out his hand. Jack looked confused but took his hand allowing Ianto to softly pull him towards the tourist information.

"Come on." he said while leading Jack inside. "I'm tired and I know you must be too."

"But what abo.." Jack started to say

"Jack." Ianto, cut him off. "I know we need to talk. I have things to say to you and I don't doubt you have things that you want to tell me. Tomorrow we've got enough time to talk, and I promise you that we will. But for now I just want to sleep with you beside me."

When they reached Jack's bunker they slowly undressed each other before they laid down on the small bed.

"Ianto?" Jack asked nervously when they were settled. "Can I kiss you?"

Ianto, who had been laying with his back against Jack's chest, turned around to face Jack. Jack looked scared, like he expected Ianto to disappear again at any moment.

"Yeah" he breathed. "You can."

Jack had kissed him many times before. He had even kissed Ianto while trying to show Ianto how he felt about him. Like the night before they had sent Tommy back to 1918. But Jack had never kissed him like this before. Never this gentle, passionate and sweet. Ianto almost started to cry again. After a minute Jack broke the kiss again.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

**Please tell me whether you guys liked it or not. This was really difficult to write so I love to hear what you think of it. **

**Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon. It will be much shorter than this one, though.**


	19. Chapter 19

**I am so terribly sorry for the three month wait for this chapter. This chapter was incredibly difficult to write. The good news is I've finished the story in my head today even the ending which I found to be quite difficult thing to do. **

**I hope this chapter was worth the wait but I'll let you all be the judge of that.**

* * *

When Jack woke up he immediately believed the evening before to be a dream. The empty space in his bed felt cold and Ianto was nowhere to be seen. Jack felt tears starting to prickle in his eyes. He had dreamt about finding Ianto again before, but for some reason it felt incredibly real this time. He thought about staying in bed for the rest of the day, trying to pretend that Ianto was still here, but he knew Owen would pull him out as soon as he realised what Jack was doing.

Sighing he got out of bed. After going to the bathroom and getting dressed he climbed out of his bunker. When he stepped into his office the smell of coffee hit him. With a grin he ran across the hub to the kitchen. His grin turned into a big smile when he arrived. Leaning against the wall he texted the rest of the team to tell them they had a day off while he watched Ianto pouring the coffee in two mugs, completely unaware he was being watched. Silently Jack went to stand behind Ianto and nuzzled his neck.

"Am I allowed to take one of those mugs?"

Ianto turned around and gave Jack the mug with the white and blue stripes on it. Jack closed his eyes and sipped his coffee. Ianto quickly turned back to the counter to hide the smile that appeared on his face when he saw a look of absolute bliss appear on Jack's. He knew that they would have to talk soon, but right now they could pretend that nothing had ever happened. Jack looked up sensing Ianto was looking at him.

"Something wrong?" Jack asked him.

"No I'm just glad I'm back " He answered. He was surprised how true that statement was. Looking back at the past few months he was able to see he had missed Torchwood and Jack. Remembering Jack's eyes when he shouldn't be able to was prove to just how much he loved Jack and how much he'd missed him.

"I'm glad you're back too." He said while putting his now empty mug on the side and stepping closer to Ianto. "The whole time you were away I..." He trailed off trying to find the right words.

Ianto gave him a sad smile. The last thing he'd wanted to do was to hurt Jack. Jack stepped even closer to him and pulled him into a hug. After a few minutes Ianto pulled away.

"The others will be here soon."

"I gave them the day off while you were making the coffee."

"Good" Ianto said while allowing Jack to pull him back into a hug.

They stayed like that for about another ten minutes before Ianto took a step back again.

"We need to talk eventually, Jack"

Jack sighed and took a step back as well.

"I know. It's just I'm scared that if we talk I'll mess up again and you'll leave me again." He said while looking at his feet. Not able to look Ianto in the eye. He'd promised himself that if he was ever, by some miracle, given another chance with Ianto he would be honest with him. It had sounded easy in his head but to actually do it was already proving to be quite difficult, and they hadn't even really started to talk yet.

Ianto tried to look Jack in his eyes, but Jack refused to look up. Feeling incredibly guilty he tried to find a way to make Jack more comfortable. This was all his fault. Jack had never acted this insecure before. Sure, after some cases Jack was a bit insecure. Like after he had to sacrifice Jasmine to the fairies. But this time Ianto could see it was really bad not even after returning from the doctor had left Jack this shaken. During that time he had already thought it wasn't possible for Jack to get any worse. And this time it was nobody's fault but Ianto's.

"Jack, look at me." He whispered trying to talk not too loud in case it would spook Jack even more. He waited for a minute until Jack looked up. "What I did six months ago was a mistake. I should never have done that and I take full responsibility for that. I'm not angry or disappointed in you. If anything, it's you who should be angry and disappointed in me." Ianto looked up to the ceiling, while fighting back the tears that were trying to escape. "I left you without a word. Believing you didn't love me. Not even thinking about asking you how you really feel about me. Not even giving you a chance to explain or defend yourself. Over the past six months you have definitely proofed that you love me. We need to talk and discuss some things, but I won't question you about your love for me and I definitely won't walk away unless you want me to."

Feeling a bit more confident after Ianto speech, Jack took Ianto's hand in his and gently led him towards to cog wheel.

"Where are we going?" Confused by Jack's behaviour Ianto pulled his hand out of Jack's grip. He immediately saw Jack's expression change. Sadness, pain and rejection were now easily read on his face. Realising his mistake Ianto quickly took Jack's hand in his and gave Jack a little smile.

"I just thought you might like to talk somewhere else. I don't think the Hub is really the best place for a talk like this." Jack answered. Suddenly he realised he might had made another mistake by thinking Ianto wouldn't want to discuss things like this in the place where they used to work. "if you rather stay here to talk it's alright. We can stay here if you want to."

Ianto simply gave him another small smile.

"lead the way."

* * *

Sitting in the SUV Ianto started to get more suspicious the closer they got wherever Jack wanted to go to. When Jack started to park the SUV Ianto's suspicions were confirmed.

"Jack, what are we doing outside my old house?"

"I wasn't able to sell it. It was one of the things that reminded me too much of you. I don't really have a place to call home but just before you disappeared I started calling this place my home in my mind."

Reaching over to Ianto Jack gave him the key. "Welcome back." He said. Not wanting to say welcome home in case Ianto felt more at home where he lived now than he felt here.

Inside the house everything was exactly like Ianto had left it. Apart from the fact that there wasn't any dust it looked like no one had been inside during the time he was away. He suspected Jack had only been inside sometimes to keep it clean.

Jack decided to wait in the living room while Ianto made some coffee. After a few minutes he came back with the mugs.

"It might not taste as good as it should considering it's a month after the expiration date but is should still be safe."

Jack had to laugh at that. "I don't think you would be able to make bad coffee if you tried."

Ianto had to crack a smile at that. They sat like that for another few minutes. Just drinking their coffee and enjoying each other's company in silence. But eventually they realised they wouldn't be able to postpone it much longer.

"How mad are you at me?" Ianto asked in a small voice.

"Not at all." He answered without even thinking. "I understand why you left. During your time away I did some thinking and I realised I made a lot of mistakes over the last two years I've been with you. When I came back from the Doctor I promised myself I would get things right this time. I even asked you out on that date." Jack swallowed another mouthful of coffee to calm his nerves a bit. "After that it went wrong. I don't know what happened but it just went wrong. I didn't take you out, I flirted with Gwen too much and I never worked up the courage to tell you how I really felt. No, I'm not mad at you. I know why you left me and I don't blame you for one bit.

Ianto sat on the sofa looking at his coffee mug. Jack had definitely changed since he last saw him.

"What are we going to do now?" He asked Jack. Ianto wanted nothing more than to get back with Jack. After hearing Jack's story he knew Jack didn't blame him and probably wanted the same. Still, he didn't want to assume he could just return in Jack's life after he had made the choice to leave without telling Jack about it.

Jack moved a little closer to him and put his arm around Ianto's shoulders. "Well I don't know about you." He started. "But I would like to give us another chance."

"I would like that as well." Ianto kissed Jack softly on his lips.

"Good." Jack said while suddenly pulling away from Ianto but keeping eye contact with him. "Ianto Jones would you like to go to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

When Jack had started to pull away Ianto had been scared that something had gone wrong or that Jack had been leading him on and had now decided it was time for Ianto to know he had been tricked into believing he had actually meant something to Jack. But as soon as Jack had asked him the question he immediately felt ashamed for thinking such a thing. He took another good look at Jack and had to stifle a laugh. Jack looked like a child on Christmas morning. He looked far to exited for a grown man especially considering he was actually over 170 years old.

"Yes Jack. I would love to go to dinner with you."

"fantastic." Jack was practically beaming. "Now we only need to tell the rest of the team."

Ianto groaned and slumped back into the sofa.

* * *

**As always please let me know if you see anything wrong and please review to let me know what you think and see you next time.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Thank you all so much for the nice comments about the previous chapter. I always like reading them. **

**I hope you'll all enjoy this chapter as well.**

* * *

The next morning Jack and Ianto both woke up with a smile on their face. After they had finished their talk yesterday they had spent the rest of the day watching movies and talking about what had happened in their lives during the time they'd been apart. Ianto told Jack about waking up in Newport, remembering Jack's eyes and told him some funny stories that had happened in the hotel. He'd also told Jack about Rhona. He told him about their date and how they decided to stay friends for now until they knew each other better. Looking at his life at the moment Ianto didn't think they would ever be more than friends.

In return Jack told Ianto about finding out he'd left, his attempts to find Ianto and some of the more interesting cases and aliens. Ianto had already seen a lot on the CCTV Tosh had given him and he had also heard a lot about the weird cases and aliens from her. Still, he was perfectly content just to sit there and listen to Jack's stories.

Looking over at the man who was slowly waking up beside him Jack regretted the fact that he hadn't given the rest of the team a week off. Now he had to go back to work today. His thoughts were interrupted by a soft welsh voice.

"You're thinking too hard."

Jack gave him a big grin and leered "You could try to stop me thinking." Ianto leaned forward and kissed him but soon pulled away again. "I was hoping for a little bit more than a kiss." Jack pouted.

"I know you were but we don't have time for what you're hoping for." Ianto said while stepping out of bed and trying to locate his clothes. "I've got to get back to Newport to sort things out while you have the pleasure of facing the rest of the team."

"Why me? I thought that if you're a couple you do things together which means you should come with me and we can explain everything to the rest of the team together." Jack hoped Ianto would fall for it. He knew it was more logical if Ianto went to Newport today but he was dreading to tell Gwen about what happened yesterday. He knew Toshiko would be happy for him and Ianto. She had managed to get them back together after all. Owen would be easy as well. He wasn't likely to go on about it either. Gwen, however, would most likely cause trouble after hearing they had gotten back together. As if reading his thoughts Ianto sat down on the bed next to where Jack was lying.

"It will be alright Jack. If Gwen proves to be a problem you'll have Tosh and Owen on your side to calm her down." Jack was gently led out of the bed by Ianto who soon started throwing Jack's clothes on the bed while continuing the search for his own shirt which was still missing. "I'll call you around lunchtime to see how you're holding up and to tell you how it's going in Newport."

"Thanks Ianto." He walked over to Ianto and took him in his arms "I could hold you like this the whole day." He murmured.

"I'm sure you could." Ianto said while escaping Jack's arms and finally locating his shirt. "But you're not going to. If you finish getting dressed I'll make us some coffee."

Jack laughed at the retreating back of his lover. How he'd been given this second chance with Ianto he didn't know but he thanked the universe for it.

* * *

How hard could it be. He fought weevils on almost a daily basis but for some reason that sounded incredibly easy compared to telling the rest of the team – Gwen – that Ianto was back. He looked over the hub from his office. After standing there for a few minutes he walked back to his desk to start with his paperwork. He and Ianto had agreed that Ianto would come back to Torchwood as soon as everything was sorted in Newport. If he wanted to enjoy Ianto's first day back at work he would have to be finished with his paperwork or Ianto would give him hell as soon as he walked into Jack's office and with the times they usually came in at work it would be likely Ianto's first day wouldn't even have officially started yet when that happened.

He'd been completing and signing of various forms for about half an hour when he heard the proximity alarm. Reluctantly Jack looked out of the window and was relieved to see Toshiko walking into the hub. As soon as he met her eyes she started walking to his office. When she walked into his office he gave her a smile and she threw herself towards him.

"You and Ianto are back together aren't you? That's why we all had a day of yesterday, right." She looked almost as excited as him about it.

"Thanks to you we are." He said while getting glasses and some scotch from his cabinet. He normally didn't drink during working hours and especially not before, but this was a special occasion. "After you texted me two nights ago I went up to the bay and he was standing there staring across the water." He gave Tosh one of the glasses and drank some of the other one. "We didn't discuss anything that evening we just went to bed and held each other while we were sleeping. That's why I gave you all a day off yesterday, so that Ianto and I were able to discuss everything, not having to worry about work." They drank the rest of their scotch. "Now I just have to find a way to tell Gwen and Owen."

"How about telling them together. You could call a meeting and tell them. That way you don't have to face Gwen alone."

"That might work." He grinned. "You really wouldn't mind being there?"

"Of course not. It's about time Gwen realises she doesn't stand a chance."

* * *

When Owen entered he headed straight for the medical bay. Since Jack had given up on finding Ianto everyone had been walking on their toes. Hopefully he would be able to avoid Jack for the rest of the day.

A few minutes after Owen Gwen walked into the hub. Before she was even able to walk towards her desk Jack called out. "I want to see everyone in the conference room in 5 minutes"

Gwen looked around to see if Owen or Tosh knew what was going on. Judging by the look on Owen's face he had no clue. Tosh on the other hand looked extremely pleased.

"What's going on? Is there something wrong?" She decided to asked Tosh.

Toshiko just looked at her and said "I'm sure Jack will tell us what's going on."

When Jack entered the conference room Owen and Gwen turned their heads expectantly towards him. Immediately Jack felt his nerves coming up again. He knew Owen would grumble about Ianto but secretly he would be glad to hear Ianto was coming back. But he knew Gwen would put up a fuss. She would find some stupid reason to try to stop Ianto from coming back to Torchwood. Taking a deep breath he looked at his team, knowing they were waiting for him to start talking.

"I hope you all enjoyed your day off yesterday." He started with a weak smile. He saw Gwen grinning and he suspected Rhys had enjoyed Gwen's day off as well. "There is however a reason you all had yesterday off. Two nights ago while I was keeping watch on the hub I got a text to go to the bay." He thought it was best not to tell the rest of the team Toshiko had sent the text and had already known for the last few days where Ianto was. "When I arrived there Ianto was waiting for me ."

"You found tea boy?" Owen asked.

"Yes I did. And his name is Ianto." Even though he had known Owen was likely to react this way didn't mean Jack had to like. And right now – in combination with his nerves – it was really pissing him off. "You would do well to remember that for when he is coming back."

This time Gwen was the first to react. "WHAT! He quit and when a few months later he decides to come back and asks you if he could get his job back you just give it to him? Is it really that easy to leave Torchwood and then come back a couple of months later?"

"Yes it is." He really didn't want to discuss this with her.

"Why? He left us. It's his own fault." Before she could say more Jack cut her off.

"No it isn't! He left because I made a mistake and you know it!" Why couldn't she just be happy for him. "Yesterday I was lucky enough to get his forgiveness which means I made up for the mistakes I made and there is no reason for him not to come back to Torchwood!"

"When will Ianto be back?" Toshiko asked quietly.

"We don't know yet. He's handing in his resignation today to the hotel he's been working for during the last couple of months. As soon as everything is sorted out he'll start working in the hub again."

Seeing that Gwen was about to make another comment he quickly started giving everyone something to do and called an end to the meeting.

* * *

"Dafydd!"

Ianto had just walked into the hotel lobby and was immediately being crushed by one of Lis's hugs. "Look at you." She exclaimed. "You're looking good! Something special going on today?"

Looking at his clothes Ianto suddenly realised he had put on one of his Torchwood suits. It felt so natural waking up in his old house and to put on one of those suits. But Lis wasn't used to him dressing that way. While he still wore suits when he was working at the hotel they were just part of the standard uniform everyone who worked at the hotel was supposed to wear and those suits definitely didn't look as good as his – more expensive – suits looked. Suddenly he felt very nervous. How was he going to explain to Lis what happened? He couldn't tell her about Torchwood but he couldn't leave without telling her what happened. For a second he understood what Gwen had meant about keeping secrets from people you care about.

"Lis?"

"Yes, Dafydd." She answered teasingly, not noticing how nervous he was. Ianto on the other hand flinched when he heard his other name. What a mess this was. Not long ago they had been good friends who told each other everything. Now, she knew next to nothing about him.

"Is there somewhere quiet where we can go to talk? You've just finished you're shift right?"

"Yeah sure, I finished 15 minutes ago." Ianto saw how her expression changed from happy to concerned. "Is everything alright?" She asked.

"Yes everything is fine. There is just something I need to discuss with you." His heart was racing. Lis was a very good friend and he really didn't want to lose her but he wasn't the man she had befriended.

She led him to one of the rooms that hadn't been booked for today. She gave him a glass of water and sat down in one of the chairs. Ianto looked at his glass of water not really sure they should be doing this in here. Sure it was quiet but if they were caught sitting in here talking while drinking from glasses which were meant to be used by the guests Lis would be in an awful lot of trouble.

Lis saw him hesitating and laughed. When he looked up she just gave him a fond look. "I know what you're thinking. I know we shouldn't be in here but after we're done I'll replace the glasses and no one will know we've ever been in here." Ianto couldn't really argue with that and let out a chuckle as well. "Now, are you going to tell me what's on your mind?"

"Well, you know about my memory loss right? About how I woke up one morning to find out I missed about 4 years of my memory?" He started.

"Yes of course I do. Why?"

"Well it turns out it is not a permanently as I feared. Less than a week ago my memory came ba-" Before he was able to finish his sentence Lis had run towards him and started to hug him.

"Oh Dafydd I'm so happy for you!" She exclaimed. "I know it frustrated you not knowing what your life had been like for those 4 years. Did you find out anything interesting?"

"That's what I wanted to discuss with you. The life I led before coming here was…" How could he possibly describe what his life had been like while working for Torchwood. "Let's just say it was very different to what you're used to."

"Were you happy?"

He thought about it. he had left that life because he wasn't happy at all. He had been disappointed, sad and angry. But he hadn't really been unhappy. "Yes I was happy. Not always but most of the time I was."

"You want to go back to that life, don't you?"

He nodded. "That life is completely different to the live I've lived for the last 6 months. My name is Ianto Jones again, different job and I've even got a boyfriend."

"You've got a boyfriend!" She yelled. "Please, tell me you've got a picture of him!" She immediately searched his pockets for his phone. Being faster than Lis, Ianto took the phone out of pocket and searched for a photo of Jack. "This is him." He said while showing her the photo.

"Wow you've definitely got a good looking boyfriend." She smiled at him. "What's his name?"

"Jack"

"Well, tell Jack if he ever decides to be single again there is a girl in Newport waiting for him"

Ianto just smiled at her. "I think you'll be waiting for a very long time before that happens."

* * *

Handing in his resignation had gone faster than Ianto had expected. Within 10 minutes he was out of his boss's office and walking back to his car. He started the car and plugged in his hands free system to call Jack.

"Hey Yan, how is it going?"

"Good. How is it going over there?" He heard Jack groan and tried to stifle his laughter. "Did you tell them I'm coming back?"

"Yes I did. Most of them are really excited." Ianto immediately knew who Jack was talking about. "I take it Gwen didn't take it too well."

"No she didn't." He heard Jack getting angry. "She is just going to have to accept it because you are coming back whether she likes it or not."

Ianto decided to change the subject before Jack would be far too angry to talk reasonably to him. "Are we still going out tonight?"

"Definitely and I'm not telling you where we're going. You'll just have to wait and see." Jack teased. Ianto had to smile. Mission accomplished, Jack was really easy to distract sometimes.

* * *

The only thing Ianto knew was that Jack was taking him to dinner somewhere in the city centre of Cardiff. Since Jack had told Ianto to get his coat he had been trying to get Jack to tell him where they were going but so far it hadn't worked. When Jack parked the car on Westgate street Ianto finally realised where they were going. Seeing the look on Ianto's face Jack knew his lover had worked it out.

"I thought I should treat you with dinner at your favourite Italian restaurant." He said and started walking towards the entrance.

While the waiter showed them their seats Ianto looked around. It had been well over a year since he had last been here but he was pleased to see nothing had changed. They talked again throughout their dinner. Jack told him the most outrageous stories he could think of and in return he told Jack funny stories about the past six months and some from the time he went to uni.

During desert Jack became nervous and Ianto couldn't think of a reason why Jack would become so nervous all of a sudden.

"Ianto?" Jack hesitated. "I was wondering if I could move in with you."

"Well technically I don't really have a house in Cardiff at the moment." He started. "And I don't think you were asking me if you could live with me in Newport, so I think it should be me asking you if I could move in with you."

The expression on Jack's face was priceless. Ianto could see his brain working at full speed trying to process everything Ianto had just said and to find out whether that meant he was okay with them living together. A minute later Ianto saw Jack giving up.

"Does that mean…" Jack trailed off as if he didn't know the correct way of asking Ianto's opinion on the subject.

Feeling sorry for Jack, Ianto decided to put him out of his misery.

"Yes Jack." He said. "I would love to live with you."

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading and please let me know what you think. As always I'll try to upload the next chapter as soon as possible. **


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